Eleven months and nine days

He walked in and sat down at his desk, glancing up at her and then back down.

“Well that doesn’t look good”, he said nonchalantly.

She didn’t bother responding.

“How long has it been bleeding like that?” He asked, still not looking up.

On and off for eleven months and 9 days.

“And it was broken, correct?”

Yes.

“How badly?”

Shattered

“Oh.”

Oh?

“Well, that just makes things…”

He glanced over at the instruments spread out on the tray beside him.

Makes things what? I mean, you can fix it, right? 

He shook his head.

“I’m afraid not. That’s like asking me to fix a shattered window. Your only option is to try and let it heal the way it is, and then wait and see. It will most likely function again, on some level, but just not like it did. The good news however, is that the pain will eventually go away and you probably won’t feel anything at all”.

What do you mean, ‘won’t feel anything at all’?

“Most times in these cases, it just goes numb when the bleeding finally stops. But that’s a good thing, right? I mean if it feels as bad as it looks…”

She slid off the table and made her way to the door. She couldn’t even look at him, suddenly feeling an overwhelming sense of shame that she had let this happen.

He offered her something to take that would numb the pain more quickly.  She paused, considering it.

No. I guess if this is the last thing I’m going to feel, I should ‘enjoy it’ while it lasts. I mean, it can’t last that much longer, right?

“It’s hard to say. But to be honest with you, yours is in pretty bad shape, so it could be awhile. The good thing though, is that no one will know but you. All you have to do is keep a smile on your face and the world will think you are completely normal.”

She closed the door behind her just in time to hear his final words echo down the hall.

“Remember to smile”, he said light-heartedly. “People might think your heart is broken.”

shattered

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22 thoughts on “Eleven months and nine days

      • I’m so sorry your heart hurts. I remember having to literally take IB profen during my last breakup because the pain in my chest was so unbearable, I was like: I’m broken hearted, and it hurts…like…legit pass the advil” Is the break recent?

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      • No or yes, I have no idea. Kinda why I wrote this. Officially over in January, I mean as official as on and off again for 6 months can be. I keep waiting for the ‘Im over this shit’ phase , but feel like I’ve moved maybe an inch towards that most days. The circumstances were pretty extreme, however, and a few additional completely devastating heartbreaks happened along the way, so it wasn’t exactly a clean break. Mine manifested in literal gasps for air, like you are actually going to die, not just feel like you are! I’m so sorry that your heart was broken to that extent. I just don’t want anyone to hurt like that ever. Was yours recent?

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  1. No, not recent at all, years and years , thank god. Oh, the gasping for air sounds terrible! It’s strange how another person can affect us in that “am I fucking dying?!” way. I know you’ve probably heard it a thousand times but things will get better, ”tis a strange beautiful bizarre life”

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    • I know they will.. most days. That’s what is so maddening about all of this. My m.o. Is usually a good amount of optimism mixed with ‘no one is ever going to make me doubt my strength or worth’. This one, however, left a mark. I know i will arrive on the other side of this stronger/wiser… all that shit. But fuck, I feel like ‘with time’ means an effing decade at present. Thanks for your kind words of encouragement, though! I’ll take them anywhere I can get them and all the better coming from such a rockstar! ;o) big hug!

      On Thu, Aug 3, 2017 at 6:38 PM Summoning Magic: A Gypsy's Tale wrote:

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  2. Well, what can I possibly say about this that I haven’t already said? This blew me away, like knocked me on my ass blown away. I hate that you hurt. Hate it. But the beauty of your pain is that somehow you are able to extract the darkest parts from within yourself and transform them into something extraordinary and beautiful. And to be able to write a post as masterful as this one, when your soul and heart are broken not only takes courage and but a commitment to accepting nothing less than what you deserve. Your angst is like fuel and your words are the fire. I am amazed, inspired and

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    • “your angst is like fuel and your words are the fire.” Who are you? Who comes up with that. You!! Because you are ridiculously brilliant.. and I have to literally sit down every time you comment to try to wrap my head around what you are saying..you, my girl, are a constant, at times relentless inspiration.

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  3. Fucking hell…my computer sucks!!! This was my comment…

    Well, what can I possibly say about this that I haven’t already said? This post blew me away, like knocked me on my ass blown away. I hate that you hurt. Hate it. But the beauty of your pain is that somehow you can extract the darkest parts from within you and transform them into something extraordinary and beautiful. And to be able to write a post as masterful as this one, when your soul and heart feel broken not only takes courage but a steadfast commitment to accepting nothing less than what you deserve. And you deserve nothing less than extraordinary. Your pain is like fuel, and the words you write are fire, and I hope that you never stop writing. Ever. I am mesmerized by you Brooke and love the perspective you possess despite all the adversity you have faced. I long for the day you finally realize your strength and the possibilities that await you – magic is within your reach. Like a Phoenix, you are rising, and I am honoured to be a part of it. I adore you. Truly, I do.

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  4. This is so touching.Beautifully explained👌👌.You know there will always be a reason to worry, but to be happy ,you will have to find a reason.I hope you get many such reasons.Good wishes😊

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    • thank you! I love that. I have a quote taped to my desk..You cannot be both happy and sad at the same time, one blights out the other. However, I will tell you, I am still very sad and under a tremendous amount of stress, but I’m also so very grateful and happy for all the gifts I have in my life. I think as long as we remember how blessed we are, then we can embrace and endure the pain. Thank you for the good wishes. To you as well!

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      • Hmm..In that case, i would say,don’t worry,as everything is short lived whether good or bad.This will also pass.and thanku 😊😊

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