Drama Cleanse, the End: The Function of Failure

1. 5-minute Journal- every day
2. Podcasts:
3.   Beautiful Writers Podcast: Anne Lamott & Glennon Doyle Melton: Hallelujah Anyway; Magic Lessons with Elizabeth Gilbert: Brene Brown; Magic Lessons with Elizabeth Gilbert: Glennon Doyle Melton
4. Visualize for 5 minutes – Everyday, this morning with quick meditation
5. Exercise: Bar online (20 minute version) and 4 mile run; track workout; rest day; 4 mile run
6. Goal- submitting revised article to 2 different journals
7. An item off your shitty things to do list: Still checking off…
8. Do something fun: Friend came to visit…so much fun was had.

Well, we made it. I was really hoping that I would arrive on the other side of this happy, healed, and heartbreak free. Not quite there, but I guess I am 30 days closer to getting there.

As far as ‘drama’ goes, I was relatively successful. In comparison to the past year, specifically in the past 7 months, it was a bubble of all things good and beautiful. But it wasn’t, really. Life just doesn’t work that way. But , there was still a lot of both of those.

Podcasts:

The first podcast I can’t recommend highly enough. I was an interview with Glennon Doyle Melton and Anne Lamott. I literally could not stop listening until it was over. These two, especially together, were riveting. It is centered around their writing careers, but everything they discuss is applicable to all- everything around facing your fears, pursuing your dreams, etc.

So Glennon Doyle Melton is my new hero. She is just so unbelievably real and raw, and also funny, charming, strong and bold. I think I wrote about her last week. Lamott is a bit older and so incredibly wise but without the least bit of pretention. She, like Glennon, is extremely raw an honest and, yes, a little crazy.

The second and third podcasts were Glennon again, and then Brene Brown.

Takeaway:
All of these discussions each woman’s path that led to her need to write and the way it has impacted her life, as well as those of her readers. The themes that kept surfacing in all three of their stories were fear and failure…which I am finally figuring out are one and the same.

Each woman had to do the one thing that scared them the most. They had to accept that they had failed. They had to look at all of their pain and shame and guilt and fear, all their demons, and not only TO name them but to expose them and identify exactly where they came from.

Failure. That is always the source, right? Our pain, our guilt or shame that comes from a deeply ingrained fear that we will fail or that we did fail. It makes us completely powerless because we have no control over it. ‘They” do. We are afraid of failing them– our parents, our children, our partner, our boss…We fail because we believe they think we failed.

Lamott asked a seemingly simple question that proved to make the most profound point in the podcast.

When was the first time someone told you couldn’t do something well or made you feel like something you created or did was bad?

I feel like every one of us can quickly conjure up this memory- your art teacher, parent, sibling, or classmates. You proudly, or timidly, offered up something you created, just you in all your innocent glory, and they laughed at you, ridiculed you, embarrassed you. And it hurt on a level that changed you.

I thought of mine and am a bit surprised that it had such a lasting impact. But when you’re little, you have no choice but to use others’ thoughts and opinions to form your frame of reference, and this includes your identity.

I was in the first grade and we were given a picture to color. The best one got a…no idea, a sticker or an eraser or something seemingly insignificant. We handed them in and the teacher put them up on the wall for everyone to see. I have no idea what my picture was, but I remember I was proud of it and thought I might even win the prize.

I didn’t. She even selected a runner-up, but it wasn’t me. I went up to the teacher after and asked why mine didn’t win. I don’t remember exactly what she said, but something to the effect of I didn’t stay within the lines. (such a metaphor for my life right now).

I remember being so embarrassed and furious with myself for not knowing what the rules were. So I kept coloring, probably compulsively, until I learned how to do it like everyone else.

But it’s wasn’t about ‘coloring’, was it? She planted a seed. I wasn’t good enough, or worse, there was something wrong with me. So I had two choices: I could either kill myself trying to be better, or I could just stop trying and accept defeat.

So I went on a mission. I would do better. I would be better. This message started a vicious cycle that became a life-long battle- a war against myself. And victory would only be mine if I achieved one thing, which was everything: perfection.

I’m not saying this event was the only contributing factor to one of my most relentless issues, but I definitely can see how it helped set the stage. You can’t be perfect if you color outside the lines. And you can’t be celebrated if you aren’t perfect.

It’s crazy, right? Are demons are born from our innocence. Our naive tendency to trust ourselves and those around us with our safety, our love, our confidence and self-worth. We are completely oblivious to the fact that our unconventional drawing will manifest into a never-ending battle to be good enough- a battle that most of us don’t even know we are fighting.

I was very clear that I wasn’t in a battle, I was in an all-out war and I knew exactly why. But I truly thought I was winning. I was winning because I was achieving. – college degrees, great jobs, athletic endeavors, exciting travels. What I was actually doing was running. They were forever closing in, but I was always 2 steps ahead. It was exhausting, but it was so much easier than trying to disarm them.

To be clear, I don’t think setting the bar high and achieving your goals is a bad approach to life, not at all. This is what makes us human and why we are here- to experience, to achieve and evolve. Anything living has to grow, right? Otherwise, it dies.

The problem is when we are doing what we do as a way to prove our self-worth. If we interpret success as ‘how much’ or ‘how well’ we do something, and those quantifiers are determined by others’ standards, then we will never get it right. We will never own anything but our failures, and any of our successes will be theirs.

So while I was running full force, stacking up one accomplishment on top of the other, I truly thought I was succeeding in building my credentials. But what I was actually building was a fortress.

It seemed like a good strategy. I didn’t have to endure everyone’s’ criticisms. I now had this extremely powerful weapon- an impenetrable wall to keep the demons at bay while keeping ‘my good enough’ safe from scrutiny.

Herein lies the tragic flaw, right? All the things I accomplished now defined me and you got to decide if they were good enough…if I was good enough. My carefully constructed walls were an unpredictable façade that became my prison. I was constantly petrified of failing “you”, so you stayed locked out, and I remained trapped inside. I unknowingly granted a safe haven for the very demons I was trying to eliminate. They grew steadily in strength and numbers, leaving no room for anything that close to good enough.

I assure you, this has to be what hell feels like and has become far more exhausting than running. The prospect of remaining invisible and far removed from all the things I love and want is far more terrifying than facing the shit that has sucked all the joy out of the things I’m most proud of.

So here is the crux. Lamott so eloquently reminds us that “failure has its function.” I failed. My worst fear came true. But doesn’t that mean I just did the scariest thing I will ever do? I already survived the very thing I feared the most (rejection on so many levels), so anything that happens now can’t be worse, right? I’m still standing and now have the most powerful weapon of all.

Wisdom.

What is fear, exactly? It’s a belief that something could be dangerous and cause us pain. But it’s not truth. It’s not knowing what will happen; it’s we believe might happen. And even if our fear does come true. It cannot destroy us.

It will feel like death at some point, because it is in a sense. It’s the death of the belief that the rejection we experienced as a child defines who we are. It’s the dying off of the fears that are preventing us from taking risks, discovering what our truth is, not the truth imposed on us by society and religion, our spouses and families- our truth.

And if we fail, if our whole world is turned upside down and gets unfathomably messy. Even if we’re judged, ridiculed, and rejected. These circumstances and feelings are temporary.

This is almost impossible to remember when we’re in the thick of falling apart. But it’s only through the dying off of these parts- false truths that someone else instilled in us decades ago- that we can shed the layers of fear, shame, and guilt that have been paralyzing us.

Because it’s only through the decomposition of our calloused layers that we can unearth our essence. And only then will we experience renewal needed to bloom into the bold, extraordinary work of art we were always meant to be not the lines someone else drew to the designate a space that’s orderly…that’s ordinary.

So this is the function of failure; it forces us to disarm our fears with the knowledge that, even at its worst, they will not destroy us.

I think  I’m finally getting to the place where I don’t give a shit if I fail anymore. I already have failed, in so many ways, none of which were small. So, that’s out of the way. And yes, I am embarrassed, ashamed and angry. And yes, I still feel fear. But it is not the fear of failing you. It is a fear of not doing all of the things I still want to.

And remember, fear and excitement elicit the same physiological response.

So next time you feel paralyzed with fear, maybe your just excited about the possibilites of all that are waiting outside the lines.

—

I think that is a good note to end our little experiment on. It has not been a perfect 30 days. But I feel like some destructive patterns were interrupted and some new ones were implemented. That was the goal.

Thanks for coming along for the ride and for your all of your support and wisdom. I send all of you lots of love and wish you an endless string of happy, exciting, and peaceful days

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Drama Cleanse, days 23-25: Trusting our Intuition

1. 5-minute Journal- every day
2. Podcast: Beautiful Writers Podcast: Marianne Williamson: From Tears to Triumph
3. Visualize for 5 minutes – Everyday, this morning with quick meditation
4. Exercise: Bar online (20 minute version) and 4 mile run each day
5. Goal- Submitted article to elephantjournal (heard back today! Request for revision and resubmission!!
6. An item off your shitty things to do list: God, feel like that is all I have done for the past 3 days…
7. Do something fun: Friend coming in for the weekend. Fun will be had

Podcast: Beautiful Writers Podcast: Marianne Williamson: From Tears to Triumph

Marianne Williamson is someone I used to read/listen to a lot in my mid-20s. She is truly an enlightened soul but is still approachable and real. This is an interview about her approach to life and how her career path started.

Williamson believes and teaches A Course in Miracles. I actually studied it for a bit, but honestly can’t tell you what the premise is anymore. I do know that it helped formulate my beliefs, but again, not exactly sure how.

Takeaway:

WARNING: This one is a bit on the esoteric/spiritual side. But I need some spiritual right about now, and it made me realize that this whole ‘I’m have to do this on my own’ it just not an option. I need to lean on my tribe and I need some help from some power that is infinitely more powerful, wise and knowing than I.  So whatever you believe in- God, Jesus, Buddha, the Universe…even nothing, I do encourage you to read on and try to keep an open mind.

I have always ‘prayed’ or at least had dialogues with ‘God’. But ‘God’ has changed over the years for me and my belief (emphasize my) is in an omnipotent force that is in me and all beings and all things.

I usually refer to this force as ‘the Universe’. This is my truth. And it is also something that I sometimes doubt, sometimes forget, and sometimes just ignore.

Over the past couple of years, however, I have had to tap into it and I have in full force. And I assure you, I have also doubted its presence and power this year more than I ever have.

A theme I have noticed in these various podcasts- whether it be Tim Ferriss, Tony Robbins, or Brene Brown- they all have some sort of practice or ritual around prayer/meditation. I personally think this has a lot to do with their success and quality of life. I am learning that is almost impossible to get through tremendous pain, suffering, sense of failure, etc. if you don’t believe in a higher power that can provide guidance, strength, and hope. Some might say people make up an entity to provide comfort and reassurance that they are not alone in the world. I guess I would just say that if you have ever experienced, whatever you want to call it-‘magic’, coincidences, serendipity, miraculous events or experience- there is a sense at something bigger, more powerful, and yes divine, at play. Again, this is my belief.

These successful people I have listened to also attribute their ability to express and access their talent or make crucial decisions that lead to their success comes from this ‘divine inspiration’ or whatever they believe is their source. And all of them take the time on a daily basis to just be quiet whether that is prayer, meditation, or just an activity that allows them to go within. This is where they get their answers or insight.

So this is where I am stuck right now. When I was trying to decide to take the huge leap that I took to move to be with the person I thought was the love of my life, I effing got down on my knees. I prayed, I meditated, (well, I forced myself to sit still long enough to try to hear some sort of guidance), I sought advice from friends, I wrote lists of pros and cons. I did everything I could to listen to my intuition, my heart, my truth. I never once heard anything other than what I knew to be true- ‘trust your intuition, ‘trust your heart’, ‘have faith in yourself’, ‘you deserve this’, ‘you are worth this’… leap.  I would hear these things and I would convince myself that I was just hearing what I wanted to hear and then start the whole process over again. My friends responses were mixed, but they knew I was going to do what I believed to be right. And I 100% believed that I was making the right decision.

So what happened exactly? I still can’t wrap my head around it. Nothing, absolutely nothing did anything but destroy me and pretty much every aspect of my life. That, I know I did not deserve. I certainly know that I am worth more than how I was treated and the circumstances I endured. No, it didn’t break me. Yes, I had to dig deeper than I ever thought possible to get myself out of bed and face the reality of what was happening,  figure out how the hell to get myself out of the situation, and love myself enough to refuse to believe the terrible things that he claimed defined me. I had to do and believe the complete opposite of what I had initially  .. because I had listened to my heart, to my intuition, to the universe.

This is why I am stuck. It is extremely challenging for me to trust in anything right now, especially myself. It’s actually the last thing I feel able to do right now. But if I resign myself to believing that, then I am the victim. That would mean the ‘gods’ were against me, or it was karma, or punishment, or that I deserved it.

I have mentioned before, I believe we manifest everything in our lives. Every person we meet, every failure, every success, every traumatic event, and every miracle. I truly believe that we summon it because of something we need to learn. There are definite patterns that I have repeated in my life over and over. Painful ones and beautiful ones. Clearly it is the painful ones that dominate our thoughts and reactions. We rarely stop and recognize when we feel good, but we are very cognizant when we feel pain. I feel it like I never have. And the only way I could have gotten this far and the reason why I still have hope that I will end up on the other side so much stronger and happier is because I am writing through it.

So there are two pretty significant gifts. Sharing my writing was something I never had the courage to do with confidence. I think even more importantly, I had become complacent in most aspects of my life. I was not living fully or demanding extraordinary from my life. I was coasting and would have continued to had I not invited some pretty painful events and people into my life. When we are suffering and in pain, we will do pretty much anything to make it stop. That means doing something drastically different than what we are doing. Complacency, for me, is just as painful as heartbreak or defeat…at least I think so. It’s a bit hard to say while in the thick of heartbreak and defeat. What I do know is that I am doing things dramatically different that I was, both in my complacency and heartbreak. I am finally giving myself permission to receive love and friendship. I am allowing myself to be imperfect and crazy. I am exposing my insecurities and failures by writing, and trying like hell to remember the gift in all of this.

This is divine. At least I believe it is. So I have to be grateful, give thanks for the gifts- because I needed them, because I wanted them, because I know that they will lead to a life that I want and did not believe I deserved before. So I am checking back in with the Universe and working on learning to trust myself again. Hopefully, I will switch gears and create new patterns that are not shrouded in pain and heartbreak this next round. Fortunately, I also believe that lessons don’t always have to be painful.

That was a bit long-winded. I hope you take what you need from it and that you are already experiencing the gifts from any pain, heartbreak, and/or defeat in your life. I promise, there is always a gift.

We are on the homestretch. Be gentle with yourself. Try to do something fun and surround yourself with people who make you feel loved and happy…and go have a green beer or Guinness if that is your thing. I prefer ‘black and tan’, myself…

 Next Steps for our homestretch: 

Just keep doing whatever positive, nurturing, empowering things you have been doing that are working for you. We’ve totally got this.

Recources

1. Journal App.fiveminutejournal.com
2. Visualization: Mike Dooley (visualization tips: http://www.tut.com
3. Podcast Referenced: Beautiful Writers Podcast: Marianne Williamson: From Tears to Triumph
4. Exercise: com/online
5. Goal: com/elephantjournal.com
6. Cleanse products: Renew’s 7 day Rapid Cleanse, Milk Thistle, Probiotic, Apple Cider Vinegar: https://www.davidwolfe.com/1-tbsp-acv-eliminate-health-problems/

 

Drama Cleanse, days 19-22: Kick and Scream. You have my full permission

1. 5-minute Journal- everyday but Sunday
2. Podcast: Beautiful Writers Podcast: Glennon Doyle Melton: Beautiful Love Warrior
3. Visualize for 5 minutes – Every morning besides Sunday
4. Exercise: Bar at home; Run; Bar Method at home; Bar Method/run
5. Goal- Publish article: actually submit article…; Led second Shakespeare. Fun/success
6. An item off your shitty things to do list: Every day…not exactly a highlight, but feels good to get shit taken care of.
7. Do something fun: Not there yet. I thought about it though. I didn’t come with anything…yet.

So, this weekend was a little rough…kind of brutal, but I did survive and there was no ‘drama’, just a bad weekend. And, as it always seems to happen, the podcast I have been listening to was about exactly what I am struggling with. I recognize the title probably scares any of you guys out there. It actually was speaking more to women, so you all might want to explore Tim Ferriss or Tony Robbins instead.

Anger. This one just keeps resurfacing again and again. It is a dance, a painful, maddening dance between anger and sadness. It feels constant. I can recognize that glimpses of normalcy and happy are surfacing more too. They just seem to be overshadowed by the dancers of late.

The Podcast is between 3 women who are all brilliant and enlightened and funny. They all have been through some shit and all can pretty much attribute their success to surviving it. Melton sounded like she has led a life extremely similar to mine, minus the kids part.

Takeaway:

They hit on something very poignant and relevant to where I am at. I’m just so fucking angry. It comes in waves and then I beat myself up for feeling it, which is clearly counterproductive. Why the hell should I not be angry? There is really not one thing that has happened to me over the past 6 months that would not conjure up this particular emotion.

This doesn’t make me a victim, it actually compels me to action. But it also deemed unacceptable. ‘We’, being women, are not supposed to be angry. We can be sad, we get permission to cry, but that is because we are sensitive, right? We are emotional. And that’s okay.

But angry. That is just not unacceptable. That is irrational. I saw it in full force in my last ‘relationship’. I am passionate. I get pissed or hurt, I show it. I feel it, and I say it. I heard over and over- calm down, you are crazy, you are manic, you are irrational.  But he, he could say the most vicious things someone can say and that was okay. That was just responding to my ‘crazy’. It was justified. It was my fault for provoking his anger. Or it was simply downplayed or denied.

Clearly I’m not the first one to point this out, but I think it deserves to be reiterated. Men express anger or frustration, they are assertive. They are strong or in control or taking charge. Women? They are a bitch or dramatic or ‘on their period’.

I’m not proud of some of the things that I say and do when anger takes over, but I would not trade passion and expression, even if they are irrational, for passive or tolerant of abusive behavior.

So my expression makes you uncomfortable. Offer up some options then. We go home and cry about what we are pissed off about? We hold our tongue and just let it fester until it becomes so ingrained that passive becomes our default or it just eats us up inside? We go meditate or take a hot bath or go for a run?

Yes, sometimes a good cry or hot bath or run will get it out. But sometimes those ‘healthy’ coping mechanisms just don’t work. Sometimes we just need to blow up, kick and scream and hit, (hitting is not recommended, but I have done it… twice, but he was bigger, stronger, and hardly felt anything…and he fucking deserved it) .

I am not saying this is the high road. I’m not saying this should be our default. But shit, sometimes that is the only way to get it out.

What I am saying is this: I am a passionate, opinionated, strong-willed woman. When I’m pissed off, when I am hurt because you were an ass or you did something cruel or selfish, then you are going to know about it. I am going to tell you, and it might be at a volume or in a tone that makes you uncomfortable. I might make people stare. Deal with it. You shouldn’t have been a selfish ass.

See, I actually feel better. A healthy, acceptable expression of my anger. But be clear. This is because the person I would otherwise be screaming at is not in front of me.

So, I hope your weekend was better than mine. I hope your week is anger as well as drama free. But if it’s not, do whatever you need to do to get it out (maybe refrain from hitting). Everyone around you will be just fine.

Optional steps/practices for next few days:

1. Journal
2. Podcast
3. Visualize
4. Exercise
5. Check off one item off your shitty things to do list a day
6. Do something fun
7. Step towards goal of choice
8. Cleanse of your choosing

Recources

1. Journal App.fiveminutejournal.com
2. Visualization: Mike Dooley (visualization tips: http://www.tut.com
3. Podcast Referenced: Beautiful Writers Podcast: Glennon Doyle Melton: Beautiful Love Warrior
4. Exercise: com/online
5. Goal: com/elephantjournal.com
6. Cleanse products: Renew’s 7 day Rapid Cleanse, Milk Thistle, Probiotic, Apple Cider Vinegar: https://www.davidwolfe.com/1-tbsp-acv-eliminate-health-problems/

Drama Cleanse, days 15-18: The absolute worst thing that could happen?

1. 5-minute Journal- check
2. Podcast: Tony Robbins: Talking with Titans: A visit with Tim Ferris reveals the tactics, routines, and habits of billionaires, icons, and world-class performers.
3. Visualize for 5 minutes – Every morning right when I wake up
4. Exercise: Ride bike to and from bare3 class; Run; Bar Method/run; Bar Method/run
5. Goal- First Shakespeare Meetup Group-success; Publish article: submitted one to elephantjournal.com
6. Don’t-want-to-dos – knocked off 4

This week was not necessarily fun, but I tried to stay focused on how good it will eventually feel when I have all this shit sorted out and behind me. I don’t realize how much more energy I spend worrying about things than what it would take to just deal with them. I definitely had to put the ‘5-4-3-2-1’ tactic into use. A few items on my ‘don’t want to-do’ list felt like plunging into the deep end of an empty swimming pull.

Podcast:

NUTSHELL:

I listened to this one twice over the span of 4 days, and it was probably the best one I could have chosen to help me get through this week. Robbins basically just picks Ferriss’ brain about what he has learned from all of the amazing people he has interviewed, and how he has used the tools/words of wisdom to accomplish what he wants in his own life.

As you all know, Ferriss fascinates me and I continue to be more in awe of him the more I listen to him. This one is worth listening to because you get a sense of how far he has come despite major obstacles, setbacks, and his battle with extreme depression (includes a heartfelt account of his near suicidal experience).

He shares an exercise he always puts himself through when he feels stuck or needs to make an important decision. He sits down with a pen and paper (or computer) and makes 3 columns:

Column 1: List of the worst things that could happen

Column 2: List of actions he could take to minimize the likelihood of those things happening

Column 3: List of things he could do to get himself back to good as quick as possible if worse case did happen (which in most cases it doesn’t).

TAKEAWAY:

This exercise was the most impactful thing for me. It seems so simplistic, but it was ridiculously hard to get myself to sit down and do, especially while in mid-descent down the rabbit hole. This particular situation, in conjunction with several others, has been overwhelming to me to the point of paralysis. Writing it down and spelling it out meant admitting that it was really happening. And if it was really happening, then I really had to finally deal with it.

But by avoiding it, letting in snowball into this all-consuming tragic ending, we end up giving so much power to ‘that which shall not be named’. It becomes this intangible force that infiltrates every aspect of our lives, not because of the actual consequences happening, but because of all of the time and energy we spend panicking about them potentially happening. Yes, there will be consequences. But they will most likely be substantially less severe if we actually take action to know and decide what they will be.

As I laid in bed playing out worst case scenarios, I caught myself and started to think of other situations that I have been through that seemed similar in severity. There were a few that came to mind and none of them did me in. Each was resolved and none prevented me from being happy or living a full life.

So I got up, grabbed a pen and paper, and dismantled my mess piece by piece. It’s not pretty, I assure you. I can’t fix it all in a day or even months, but it can be fixed. And those days or months or years are going to pass regardless, so I might as well spend them empowered by the fact that I am taking action vs. anxiously waiting for the sky to fall because I am not.

—

I’m proud of us, we are making progress. My friend did call me out today, though. He told me I should maybe try to do something fun today. Fun. I can honestly say I have no idea what that might be right now. But I’m going to think about it and come up with something that I will do this weekend… it’s a start.

Optional steps/practices for next few days:

1. Journal
2. Podcast
3. Visualize
4. Exercise
5. Step towards goal of choice
6. Cleanse of your choosing (if you have not started/completed yet)
7. Check off one thing on your list of things you don’t want to deal with.
8. DO SOMETHING FUN

Recources

1. Journal App.fiveminutejournal.com
2. Visualization: Mike Dooley (visualization tips: http://www.tut.com
3. Podcast Referenced: Tony Robbins: Talking with Titans: A visit with Tim Ferris reveals the tactics, routines, and habits of billionaires, icons, and world-class performers.
4. Exercise: barmethod.com/online
5. Cleanse products: Renew’s 7 day Rapid Cleanse, Milk Thistle, Probiotic, Apple Cider Vinegar: https://www.davidwolfe.com/1-tbsp-acv-eliminate-health-problems

Drama Cleanse, day 14 & 15: Today, I shall not strive to be THE best.

1. 5-minute Journal- check
2. Podcast: Magic Lessons with Elizabeth Gilbert: Leap into the Fire
3. Visualize for 5 minutes – This morning
4. Exercise: Bar Method at home
5. Goal- Start a meetup group to study Shakespeare: First one is tonight.

We made it to the halfway mark. For me, this feels miraculous after over a year of sporadic and then constant drama. It feels good to take charge and do things differently. I actually feel hopeful, which is much needed. So give yourself some love and well-earned accolades. Doing the work is not easy. Transforming bad habits/patterns into healthy ones is something few dare to do. Please don’t be discouraged if a mishap or two happened or some drama reared its head. This is a process. It’s a journey. Be gentle with yourself. You are headed in the right direction and you have the courage and capacity to stay the course.

NOTE: I think we have some momentum going here, so I am going to begin checking in just twice a week, on Mondays and Thursdays. I will be sure to fill you in on the things I learn and resources I find that I think will be most helpful.

Some thoughts:

Visualization. This morning it occurred to me that I was still in sleep mode and my level of focus and ability to stick to what I’m visualizing was minimal. So, I tried sitting up, even just in bed, and it was way more effective.

Exercise: Dramatic tendency intact.

Okay, so my toe isn’t broken. I might have been a bit over-dramatic. But the reality is, I am dramatic. And I’m actually okay with this. I have been criticized for this quality on several occasions. I beat myself up about it, and I tried to change it. But I decided to just embrace it.

How I see dramatic? Dramatic means passionate. Dramatic means excitement. Dramatic means taking the mundane, the ordinary, and transforming it into something with fervor. And think about how the descriptive adjective transforms the noun it proceeds?

Dramatic setting, dramatic comeback, dramatic improvement, dramatic entrancee.

I mean, wouldn’t you rather be in a dramatic setting vs just a setting, or dramatically improve vs. just improve.

So, my assessment of my toe was dramatic. But how much more intriguing was my recount of my yoga session? I broke my toe vs. I jammed it. In my defense, if I need one, which I don’t, it fucking hurt. And it was a color I have never seen before. And I have never had a ‘jammed or sprained or whatever it was’ toe.

Point is, for all of you I scared out of doing yoga, rest assured. It does not usually if ever involve broken bones. If you practice safely and in accordance with current physical state, all toes and extremities should remain intact.

I gave you a lil’ quote that makes me smile. Hopefully, it does the same for you on a Monday afternoon.

Podcast:

I listened to a short one this morning from Elizabeth Gilbert’s series. Again, I love these because she just selects normal, everyday people who are stuck in whatever endeavor they are pursuing.

This podcast was a session with a young poet, Hope, who wanted to take her poetry to the next level and pursue spoken word (which I love) and poetry slam sessions. She didn’t have the confidence or think she was talented enough to compete with other poets she was reading and hearing.

Gilbert dug until she was able to help Hope get to the core of it. Hope was paralyzed by fear of rejection. She ultimately believed that if someone told her she wasn’t good or talented, she would just stop. She would give up the thing she loved most.

Takeaway:

Gilbert challenged hope to ask herself the following question:

Who gets to decide if you are a good/talented/worthy’ ‘parent/artist/partner, etc.’?

It’s so true, right? Our barometer to our worthiness or level of skill/talent is almost always contingent on someone else’s opinion/assessment. It is almost instinctual because we are usually doing or being something for someone else, not for ourselves.

This hit me. Is this authentic? If I am living/doing for someone else, then I am altering who I truly am and what I can truly offer to fit the expectation or what I think the expectation is of another person. That is not who I am or what I have to offer, that is what they want and what they expect to receive. These are two very different things. It is also a recipe for disaster. Does this change with each person I aspire to please? If each person has their own desires and expectations, how can I possibly keep up with all the adaptations I would have to make to appease them?

It is our fear of losing their respect, attention, love, etc. and that our worst fear will be confirmed.

We are not good enough. We are not worthy.

Ironically, we often seek out the people who will confirm this. This is as painful as it is an easy out. It is an excuse to give up and avoid the fear of rejection. But it also stifles us and represses who we truly are and the gifts we have to offer. Which is worse?

Gilbert gave a good perspective and weapon to take action and give ourselves permission to ‘jump into the arena’.

We don’t have to be the best ‘artist/parent/partner’. And we don’t have to assume we are the worst. ‘There is enough real estate for both’.

Just like we have heard over and over, we just do the best we can do at whatever it is that we want to do/be most. This can free us from the pressure of being better than anyone else, of comparison. We just get to do what we do and know we are giving it everything we can. The reality is, this is more likely to land us among the greats than if we stay paralyzed for fear of failing/rejection.

So for the next few days, we will just do what we do simply for the reason that we love to do it, and we will give it our best.

Enjoy your next few days, drama free.

Optional steps/practices for next few days:

1. Journal
2. Podcast
3. Visualize
4. Exercise
5. Step towards goal of choice
6. Cleanse of your choosing
7. Check off one thing on your list of things you don’t want to deal with.

Resources

1. Journal App.fiveminutejournal.com
2. Visualization: Mike Dooley (visualization tips: http://www.tut.com
3. Podcast Referenced: Magic Lessons with Elizabeth Gilbert: Leap into the Fire
4. Exercise: com/online
5. Goal: com
6. Cleanse products: Renew’s 7 day Rapid Cleanse, Milk Thistle, Probiotic, Apple Cider Vinegar: https://www.davidwolfe.com/1-tbsp-acv-eliminate-health-problems/

Drama Cleanse, day 13: Messy, yes, but it can be fixed

1. 5-minute Journal- check
2. Podcast: Tedtalks: Kathy Hull: Stories from a home for terminally ill children, 2. Lux Narayan: What I learned from 2,000 obituaries.
3. Visualize- This morning
4. Exercise: Easy run
5. Goal- (speaking to students at independent school) Listened to rest of second workshop by TedTalks Founder Acumen Presents: Chris Anderson on Public Speaking

The past few days have been a bit rough. As the dust is slowly starting to settle and reality is sinking in…well, things are definitely messy. Like pretty much everything. At least that is how it feels. I.e., I’m completely overwhelmed and doing everything I can to not go down the rabbit hole.

So this morning, as I was willing myself to go back to sleep until at least the sun was up, I started listing out all of the things in my head that were on the verge of collapsing, envisioning worst case scenarios for each. Since I have done this a few times before, I knew lying in bed was pointless. So I did what I always do, I started cleaning. Fortunately, I realized something was missing from my usual ‘morning’ routine- my podcast. I snapped out of it long enough to realize that I needed some perspective or at least something to get me out of my head. Tedtalks seemed like a good option. I didn’t even look, just pushed play and went about trying to rearrange my ‘closet’ one more time to accommodate the piles of clothes that will realistically never experience hanging status, at least not for the next 12 months.

The Tedtalk was short, as they are meant to be, and one plays right after the other. So I listened to two.

Subject matter of both of this morning’s selections? Death.

I guess you can’t get more ‘perspective’ than that.

Podcast: Kathy Hull: Stories from a home for terminally ill children

Needless to say, I was sobbing by minute two.

Long/short, Kathy Hull founded the George Mark Children’s House, a freestanding pediatric care facility for children who are dying from terminal diseases. The center offers free housing in a beautiful, peaceful setting for children and their families to spend their last few weeks together… or days.

Hull previously worked as a psychologist for pediatric intensive care units. She started the center after watching countless babies, toddlers, and children die in crowded, cold hospital rooms lit with fluorescent lights and crammed full of loud, horrific machines.

The center is located on her friend’s Camel Ranch in the Santa Cruz Mountains (Camels. How cool is that?) The center and staff provide everything imaginable to ensure that the last few days for these children and their families are unforgettable- their favorite meals freshly prepared, resident dog and bunny to snuggle with, beautiful surroundings, fresh air…and camels.

And then she introduces Crystal.

Crystal was 9 years old and arrived at the center with only two weeks to live. But she didn’t die in 2 weeks. She lived another four months. She held on because she finally got the chance to actually live- to learn how to make jewelry, and carve a pumpkin for Halloween, and plan her 10^th birthday party.

And my favorite part:

Crystal set up a lemonade stand by the front door of the center. Hull told Crystal that she wanted to buy a cookie. “How much is it?” she asked. “Three dollars” Crystal immediately replied. “Three dollars? That seems a little high for one cookie.” Crystal’s eyes light up and she gets a huge smile on her face. “I know”, she states, matter of factly, “But I’m worth it”.

So, I’ll leave you with that. Perspective. Things aren’t great right now. They are actually beyond challenging. But, jesus, they can be fixed. They can be fixed because they are temporary and I have the time to fix them. I have the time because I actually have a future… a much-needed reality check.

New step for this week. I’m going to deal with one thing that I have been dreading and putting off. I’m going to list everything out that is stressing me out, I’m going to prioritize them according to most urgent to least, and I’m going to deal with one a day. Manageable bites, I can do.

Optional steps for Day 13:

1. Journal
2. Podcast
3. Visualize
4. Exercise
5. Step towards goal of choice
6. Cleanse of your choosing
7. Make a list of shitty things you don’t want to deal with. Do one of them.

Resources

1. Journal App.fiveminutejournal.com
2. Visualization: Mike Dooley (visualization tips: http://www.tut.com
3. Podcast Referenced: Tedtalks: 1. Kathy Hull: Stories from a home for terminally ill children.  2. Lux Narayan: What I learned from 2,000 obituaries.
4. Exercise: barmethod.com/online
5. Goal: Acumen Presents: Chris Anderson on Public Speaking: https://www.udemy.com/courses/
6. Cleanse products: Renew’s 7 day Rapid Cleanse, Milk Thistle, Probiotics, Apple Cider Vinegar: https://www.davidwolfe.com/1-tbsp-acv-eliminate-health-problems/

Drama Cleanse, day 12: Apples/Oranges

1. 5-minute Journal- check
2. Podcast: Beautiful Writers Podcast: Brene Brown: Daring to Create Greatly
3. Visualize- This morning
4. Exercise: Bar Method (Barmethod.com/online)
5. Goal- (speaking to students at independent school) Listened to second workshop by TedTalks Founder Acumen Presents: Chris Anderson on Public Speaking

So I decided it was time to do a cleanse. I think it’s an important part of the reprogramming/fresh start process. I did go easy on myself on this one, however, and just committed to a 7-day one. It’s a start and denying myself of all vices for weeks at a time just isn’t realistic for me right now.

So I’m doing Renew’s 7 day Rapid Cleanse. It’s gentler than most so you can still function in your daily lives. I added a tablespoon of Apple Cider Vinegar to the mix (see link to benefits below), probiotics (replenishes good bacteria that fights the bad), and Milk Thistle (promotes liver and kidney health). I’m also not going crazy with the diet portion either, which I will emphasize is very important (the less toxins you put in, the easier it is to flush out the present ones). But I am trying to make sure everything I eat is organic and hormone free, and adding in as much green things as I can.It’s a start…

Podcast: Beautiful Writers Podcast: Brene Brown: Daring to Create Greatly

As you know by now, I’m kind of a fan of Brene Brown. Although the focus of this podcast is on writers, the content is applicable to all endeavors and is not gender specific. Brene’s background is entrenched in dissecting shame, its origins, and ways to dismantle it. This interview is just picking her brain about her approach, what inspires her and a cool story and lesson learned from her interview with Oprah and meeting Maya Angelou (Soooo envious of that one).

Takeaway:

The thing that struck me most is when she discussed ‘comparison’. I think it is one of the main factors that contributes to why we get stuck, crippled by insecurity and self-doubt, which I think results in our fear of failing and unwillingness to take the risks needed to get where we want.  For example, I go on Facebook and see nothing but all of my friends’ pictures of their kids- their kids’ accomplishments, family photos of their vacations- and I start to compare my life to theirs. They all seem so happy. They have these beautiful children. I have none. They seem happily married or remarried. I’m single. They have the beautiful house with a big yard and a dog. My place is most likely as big as their walk-in closets. They have successful careers. I am completely starting from scratch.

And I truly hope all of the beautiful things in their lives are as they seem. But the reality is they struggle, too- with their marriages, with their kids, with their careers. They all have or will go through a crisis of sorts and they all will have regrets or dreams that might not come true. Many have confessed to me that they long for freedom as much as I long to find/have a family, home, etc.

So, if I can stop myself from scrolling for a second, I try to shift my thinking and reflect on the cool shit I have done and my own accomplishments. Yes, they are very different. No, my life is not perfect and certainly did not turn out as planned. But what I have, what I can be grateful for, is the freedom and drive and courage to decide what direction I want it to go from here at a point in my life where I really know what I want. I get to reinvent myself in whatever way and at whatever pace that is right for me. This is not to say that my friends can’t do the same, but I understand that they don’t always have the freedom to make all the changes they might want at the time that they want to.

All this to say, I am making a concerted effort to stop comparing myself to others and shaming myself for all the things I have done/not done up to this point. I can only start from where I am, taking with me the lessons I have learned and the gifts I have received. I simply have to start embracing my story, not wishing for someone else’s. And when I can successfully frame it this way (which, I assure you, is not always), I am actually proud of my story, as messy as it has sometimes been. And I am most definitely excited about how it will unfold.

My two favorite things Brene said:

1. Don’t forget to look for inspiration (magic) in the ordinary, everyday moments, whether it be a message you get from a billboard sign or a person you meet at the coffee shop. Everything that appears in your life appears for a reason. We can just get so wrapped up in our drama or go into coasting mode, that we forget to pay attention.

So don’t forget to look for it…inspiration, gifts, magic…whatever it is that you need.

2. The host threw out some fun, lighthearted questions to dig a little deeper into who Brene is and how she ticks. When she was asked to choose “sex or sleep”, her response: “There will not be one without the other.”

Brilliant. Although I will confess, I only really agree with one side of that one. Oops, too much? Inappropriate? Probably. But what the hell, it’s true.

Drama Free Options for Day 13

1. 5 minute Journal
2. Podcast
3. Visualize
4. Exercise
5. Step towards goal of choice
6. Cleanse of your choosing

Resources

1. fiveminutejournal.com
2. Visualization: Mike Dooley (visualization tips: http://www.tut.com
3. Podcast Referenced: Beautiful Writers Podcast: Brene Brown: Daring to Create Greatly
4. Exercise: barmethod.com/online
5. Acumen Presents: Chris Anderson on Public Speaking: https://www.udemy.com/courses/
6. Cleanse products: Renew’s 7 day Rapid Cleanse, Milk Thistle, probiotics, and apple cider vinegar: https://www.davidwolfe.com/1-tbsp-acv-eliminate-health-problems/

 

Drama Cleanse: Day 11

1. 5-minute Journal- check
2. Podcast: Tony Robbins: 3 Steps to breakthrough: How to Taking Control of your Strategy, Story and State can fuel lasting change
3. Visualize- This morning
4. Exercise: Bar Method (Barmethod.com/online)
5. Goal- (speaking to students at independent school) Listened to the first workshop by TedTalks Founder

Podcast: Tony Robbins; 3 Steps to breakthrough:  How to Taking Control of your Strategy, Story and State can fuel lasting change

I have to admit, I have never been a huge Tony Robbin’s fan. I have no idea why, but I’m so glad my dear friend reintroduced me to him (thank you, Matt Clawson). He truly is a phenomenal man and speaker. This is the first podcast I’ve listened to where it was just him speaking, and it was very inspiring, to say the least.

Robbins touches on the three components that lead to how we approach our lives, which will determine the results we get.

Ironically, I had just started writing my next blog about one of the three themes: our story.

Your Story:

The first and most important components that he discusses is how we frame our story. This is the same attribute that he has seen across the board that determines what separates the most accomplished people from those who struggle most.

Our story is what has brought us to where we are. And where we are is a direct result of how we have interpreted our story. He makes an interesting observation. If we think about the people we see around us, either in our private lives or in the public sphere, it is more times than not the ones who struggled growing up who are the ones who achieve their dreams. Those who had most things handed to them, on the other hand, are usually the ones who now struggle the most.

He gives Oprah as an example. She was born to a mother who was only 13 years old, sexually abused by 3 different men before the age of 13 and was herself pregnant at the same age as her mother. All of this, in addition to having to fight countless other obstacles, including being an African-American woman in a time when both were blatant disadvantages.  Yet, look where she landed.

The point here is that, tragically, there are so many children who were abused, so many who grew up in poverty, or were bullied or neglected. So why is it that some go on to recreate their pasts and some go on to become successful and happy?

It is the decision we make as to how we are going to use those misfortunes. We can use them to protect ourselves or we can use them to empower ourselves.

My parents got a divorce when I was three and I was bullied throughout my childhood. So I can use this as an excuse as to why I am emotionally detached and treat others the way I was treated. Or I can use it as the very reason why I give 100% to emotionally connecting with people and do my best to treat everyone around me with kindness and compassion.

So ultimately, it is our decision to make. Are we going to use our story to protect or empower?. The first option gives us an out. It isn’t our fault: ‘it is in my genes’, ‘I can’t help it, that is what I was taught”.This way we don’t have to do the work or make an effort to change because we are victims of our circumstances. 

The second option empowers us to change our story. We can identify the things that could lead us to ‘becoming our parents’ or recreating our past and then decide to do something differently. This means we have to do the work and take the steps to create the story that we want, not the one that was forced on us.

Strategy:

Long/short. There are countless strategies that we know work, regardless of what it is we need them for (successful business, successful relationship, weight-loss strategy, etc.) A shortage of resources is not the issue. The issue is whether or not we utilize them.

My favorite quote from him:

“Lacking resources is the not the problem, lacking the resourcefulness is the problem”.

So, building on the previous, it is not our circumstances (our story) that are holding us back, nor is it a lack of resources (a strategy) that is determining whether we achieve what we want or not. It is the decision we make to implement the strategy necessary to create the story we want.

 State:

Your state is your feelings and thoughts- your emotions– that determine how you will define your story and strategize your approach.

Your emotions are in fact, your ultimate resource or your biggest deterrent. They are what make you take action to do absolutely whatever it takes to make shit happen. Or, they are what keep you paralyzed and stuck in a vicious cycle of fear of failure, complacency, and disappointment.

Hunger. It’s what makes you stay up all night to start a business, what makes you decide to get married/divorced or go back to school or run a marathon. It’s your hunger.This is the emotion necessary to take the steps needed, no matter how extreme, to achieve what you want.

Robbins gave the example of falling in love. In the beginning, you will do ANYTHING for that person to make sure your relationship is the best it can possibly be. But as time passes, your excitement starts to fade, you begin putting less and less effort in and your passion dissipates. And what happens? The same thing that happens ‘when you don’t water the plants’ (one of my favorite ‘gentle reminders’). I’ll help you. They die.

The same applies to a new business or any new endeavor we dive into with gusto. We slowly start to lose interest when it starts getting hard or isn’t turning out the way we had anticipated.

Takeaway:

I would say, for a lot of us, our lives haven’t turned out exactly how we had anticipated. It is just harder than we wanted it to be, and we have lost interest and the motivation to change it.

But this is exactly the time to reevaluate our story, strategy, and state. For those of us who know struggle, who know intense suffering and pain, we have a heightened incentive and an intense hunger to drastically change our circumstances. This hunger can either propel us towards greatness or towards our destruction. It’s our choice. It’s a decision we get to make.

For most of us, we are in the middle of it- the ‘mid-life’ thing. It feels like so much has happened and so quickly. We have regrets. We just aren’t happy with certain aspects of our lives. But these things are now so much a part of our lives that we don’t even know we are unhappy. Or worse, we do know but just aren’t willing to do anything to change them.

So that’s it, we just stop trying?  We give up on our dreams, perpetuate what we don’t want and resign ourselves to settling? It just is what it is. The timing is bad. Maybe someday when…

That sounds terrible. Doesn’t it? When you actually admit it to yourself and say it out loud?

Another option? (always good to have options) We could plant some seeds- seeds that we want, seeds of our own choosing that can grow and flourish…. preferably not weeds, though, especially ones that induce painful rashes. (Although, I’m actually partial to wildflowers, which are technically weeds. They are wild and resilient and pretty. What’s not to love, really.) And just to run this metaphor into the ground, I would strongly recommend selecting a good, nurturing environment in which your seeds can grow.

And then…

You are going to have to water them. You are going to have to do the work. It’s not that hard. Really. Just ask them. Listen. They will tell you. And then please, for your own good, give them what they need… and you will grow.

Steps for Day 12:

Let’s keep it simple. Same steps that are working for you, adding whatever else you need.

Tomorrow I’ll share something new I added if you are up for it.

Resources

1. fiveminutejournal.com
2. Visualization: Mike Dooley (visualization tips: http://www.tut.com
3. Podcast Referenced: Tony Robbins: How to Make the Decision to do the Impossible: Siri Lindley on overcoming failure, moving away from fear and learning to love herself.
4. Exercise: barmethod.com/online

Drama Cleanse, Day 10: Why are you Stuck?

1. 5-minute Journal-
2. Podcast: Magic Lessons with Elizabeth Gilbert
3. Visualize- This morning
4. Exercise: Explanation to come
5. Step towards Goal- (speaking to women/girls: building confidence, being true to themselves and dreams, etc.) Downloaded workshop led by the creator of TedTalks to prep for an upcoming speaking engagement

So, I broke my toe yesterday. The first bone I have ever broken in my life, after running multiple marathons, climbing mountains, jumping off cliffs, etc. I broke my toe. How you ask? Doing yoga. I specifically took a beginner’s class, (I have never taken a beginner’s class) so I would not do anything stupid my first time back. I will spare you the details. I did manage to finish the class. And I am going to maintain that this was absolutely NOT drama. I mean, I was in a yoga class. How much less drama can you get? I broke my toe, yes, but in a very zen-like, peaceful state. So, I’m going to say that my drama-free streak has not been broken. Yes, my toe looks like a science experiment, no I can’t put weight on it, but it just simplifies my decision-making process for which shoes I will wear (I always start with the shoes and go from there), and it gives me an excuse to put off running and having to re-acclimate to the altitude for a couple of weeks (just in time to ‘test the waters’ in San Diego).

All this to say, today is going to be my day off from exercise.

NOTE: For those of you who have never tried yoga. Don’t be scared. It’s an amazing practice that will bring you more peace and serenity than any other, in my opinion. And I can’t honestly say, in my 20 plus years of practicing, that I have ever known anyone who has broken a bone.

Podcast: Magic Lessons with Elizabeth Gilbert.

I am a huge fan of Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love). She is actually who inspired me to write my memoir, Summoning Magic (coming soon), and more importantly, she is such a beautiful, inspiring soul who is truly out to use her gifts to inspire/give to others.

She recently published a book, Big Magic (clearly a topic that I have an affinity for), that helps guide others in cultivating their creativity and passion. These podcasts are serving to help her spread her message and provide guidance to others.

What I really love about them is that she reaches out to ‘everyday people’, not just the most successful accomplished ones. And these are not just about writing, etc. Her insight and guidance can apply to anyone doing anything, whether it be starting a business or knitting, whatever it is that brings you joy and inspires you to do/be the best at that you can be.

This episode addresses the particular woman’s struggle with taking a leap and writing this book she has inside her. She already has proven herself as a great writer, starting a successful blog and consultant business, but her dream is to write/publish her book.

Her challenge. She is stuck.

Procrastination

Fear. It is the nemesis of creativity and accomplishing your dreams. It has many disguises: guilt, procrastination, perfectionism, insecurity, etc. We engage in all of these as an excuse to be less than…basically to protect ourselves from failure, in other words, rejection.

Her guest also admitted that she was riddled with guilt because she was worried about taking time away from her kids. They discuss how this is a near epidemic with mother/fathers. They feel like if they pursue their dreams or do something for themselves that will make them happy, they will in some way neglect or harm their children.

Gilbert quotes a celebrated author, A.S. Byatt, who is a mother/wife/artist. Basically, she states that it is because she is living her dream (whatever that dream is), that she is able to love those around her more completely. The time she takes to dedicate to herself, to being authentic and living her dream is crucial to animating her soul and prevents any tendency to feel resentment or regret for losing an important part of herself.

Elizabeth sums it up. “If you model martyrdom to your children, your children will grow up to be martyrs”. Alternatively, if you model creativity, passion, authenticity, healthy relationships, hard work, whatever it that represents who you truly are, that is 9 times out of 10 what your children will become.

Takeaway:

Guilt: I am not a mother. But I know a lot of mothers, especially at our age with the ‘empty nest’ phase approaching, who have expressed similar experiences to me. I can imagine it feels like you can’t win at times. Everything you do or don’t do, you worry how it might impact your children. This can go in any direction. You feel like you didn’t give them enough time or attention, or you feel like maybe you gave them too much. Did your actions make them independent, too dependent? On and on.

I think this can apply to relationships as well. It is always a battle to find balance and healthy approaches to being a partnership while pursing your individual dreams. How much time is going to allow the relationship to grow and evolve versus either over or under nurturing it.

I do agree with Gilbert and have experienced this. If you give up your dreams, if you sacrifice the things that feed your soul and express who you truly are and what you truly want, you will eventually resent whoever you are making those sacrifices for. Or you will end up regretting the things you gave up because you thought you would lose the love, affection, acceptance, etc. from the people you sacrificed your dreams for.

Fear: This is an obvious one that I have brought up repeatedly. It’s the fear, right? We chalk it up to preparation or circumstances: We need to study more, learn more, research more, job search more, the time is not right, the circumstances aren’t right…on and on.

This is fear talking- fear of failing. Fear of disappointing the people you love, fear of rejection, fear of change, fear of the responsibility or commitment that your dreams/passions might require.

What I personally fear more is regret. My motto has always been “I would rather regret something I did do than something I didn’t.” I know, a bit cliché now, but I have been saying that since I was 19. And I have lived my life that way ever since. Yes, I have made some mistakes that I regret, but I can honestly say, when I look back on my life, I have really tried to pursue all the things that I knew would challenge me, make me grow, build my confidence, feed my soul, and get me closer to my dreams (even when I had no idea what those really were).

So, it all comes back to everything I have been hearing from all those out there living their dreams. Find your courage. Face your fears. Take action. Leap. 5-4-3-2-1. Even if it means you have to dial back other priorities for a period. If you are honest with yourself and those around you, they will understand. Even if there is resistance in the beginning, they will eventually respect you and want you to be happy and fulfilled. If they don’t, perhaps they no longer need to be an intimate part of your life.

Just something to consider…

So, enjoy the rest of your day. Hope it’s drama-free…and, please, be gentle with the toes.

 

Resources

Five-minute Journal: fiveminutejournal.com

Visualization: Mike Dooley (visualization tips: http://www.tut.com)

Podcast: Magic Lessons with Elizabeth Gilbert. I am

Drama Cleanse: Day 9

Sorry for the delay on this one, had a packed day. No drama, though, so on track. 

1. 5-minute journal – check
2. 5-minute visualization- morning in bed
3. Podcast-finished- Success Talks: Mel Robbins on the 5 Second Rule
4. Daily exercise- Biked to Bare3 class (http://barre3.com/studio-locations/cherry-creek-denver) Yoga this morning (core power)
5. Step towards your goal: Reached out to one of my favorite authors to see if she would be open to providing some much-needed advice

NOTE: I bought a class pass for the first time, just to vary things up while I take a break from running. Bar classes are my favorite and I loved B3’s variation/approach. Yoga is the thing I probably need most and the hardest thing for me to get myself to do. It’s just hard to stay out of my head more than other things that are more physical/face paced. Yoga just forces you to feel and process your emotions, which is a bit grueling right now, but necessary.

Class Pass: I do recommend the class pass. You can always find really good deals on their site. I got a package of 5 for $30. I bar class is usually $20ish and Yoga is around $15-$20 per class, so great deal. Just know that only certain studios allow you to use it and it is usually for classes scheduled off hours.

Podcast: Finishing- Success Talks: Mel Robbins on the 5 Second Rule

NUTSHELL: An emphasis in the last part was about using the 5 Second Rule (counting 5-4-3-2-1 as a trigger to take action) to build your confidence. Makes sense. It helps you cultivate confidence by providing tangible steps to take action. Taking action reminds you that you are capable of more than you thought and breaks the pattern of inaction. This, in turn, boosts your confidence and belief in yourself. Even if you don’t get the outcome you wanted, your proved to you yourself that you survived, or that your actions led to the outcome that you did want. The simple action of ‘taking action’ is proof to yourself that you can do what is needed to move forward instead of staying stuck where you are.

She also touched on something that I am grappling with on a profound level. She addresses making heart-first decisions. When posed the question, “should the heart always be involved in decisions when it often ends in serious heartbreak?” Her response gave me heart. (especially because she is so pragmatic about things)

She responds, “We are born courageous”. Challenges are things that require courage, not things to overcome. So we have to re-frame difficulties as acts of courage instead of obstacles to overcome.

She asserts that when we listen to our instincts and go with our heart, things eventually turn out to be the best thing we could have done. Damaging mistakes are made when we go into our heads and start to question our heart. Heart decisions can be hard and complicated and have major ramifications- ending a relationship, starting a business, etc. The best thing you can do is to make decisions with your heart and then use your head to figure out the best way to get it done.

TAKEAWAY:

5-4-3-2-1 is a way to make you take the leap and then confirm that you had the courage to do it, and you landed, either on your feet or on your ass, but you landed. If it was the latter, you count to 1 again and you get back up. And you start to build the confidence to leap again until you eventually land on your feet. And you will.

I needed to hear this. Following my heart has always been my approach to life. And, yes, this approach has sometimes led to a broken heart. But it always turned out to be the right decision. There has always been a gift in it that was usually impossible to see when trying to heal my heart.

But I just did this when I had to make a major life-changing decision. There was so much risk involved on so many levels- the biggest one was the risk of getting my heart broken on a level that I didn’t know was possible. I got on my knees every day before taking the leap. I prayed, I meditated, I wrote, I sought advice from friends…everything I could possibly think to do to confirm what my heart was telling me. I leaped. And it feels like what was quite possibly the worst, most painful decision I have ever made.

I rethink what happened every day. What went wrong? How did I misread what my heart and my intuition were telling me? I went against sage advice, I went against reason and logic. I completely trusted what my heart was telling me to do.

I still can’t see the gift in it clearly. I know there is one. I am slowly starting to see what it is, but I just question why, at this point in my life, did the path to find that gift have to end in such a disaster and with so much pain.

What I do know is that I did in fact, leave out the other piece that is essential when making life-changing decisions. I did not use my head when planning on what steps to take to follow my heart. I ignored the obvious red flags/obstacles that were so blatant. I was excited and impatient and impulsive and didn’t take the time to look at the bigger picture. I wanted to paint it how I wanted it to unfold in that exact moment. I wish with all that I have that I would have used my head to come up with my action plan. I am not sure if things would have turned out differently. But I’m fairly certain that a lot less pain would have been suffered by and inflicted on everyone involved.

So, takeaway:  I will do my best to keep following my heart once it heals. And, next time, I will sit myself down and summon my head to join in on mapping out my plan of action.

Again, I encourage you all to listen to this one. It’s very enlightening, pragmatic, and completely doable.

Steps for Day 10: 

1. journal
2. visualize for 5 minutes
3. listen to podcast
4. exercise
5. Do one thing, no matter how small, to take steps toward whatever it is you want to do or accomplish

Resources

Five-minute Journal: fiveminutejournal.com

Visualization: Mike Dooley (visualization tips: http://www.tut.com)

Podcast: Success Talks: Mel Robbins on the 5 Second Rule

Exercise: Bare3 class (http://barre3.com/studio-locations/cherry-creek-denver)

Class Pass: https://classpass.com/home