A Love Story of Sorts

In keeping with the theme this week, I’ll offer up a love story of sorts.

Okay, it’s not really a “love story”, in the traditional sense. But it is a story, and it does involve love.

In the romantic sense, love has proven itself to be a fickle companion. I’ve lost myself in it and also found myself. I’ve sworn it off completely, and then blindly plunged back in. I’ve felt it with a force as powerful as breath, and now find myself wondering if it even exists.

But I’m a romantic and seem to be incapable of giving up on it completely.

So that brings me to Valentine’s Day. I admittedly get seduced by it all: a day dedicated solely to celebrating the person I love and being spoiled by the person who loves me. It’s a subject I believe worthy of its own holiday.

But I’m also acutely aware that this day can place loneliness and heartbreak at center stage, making the absence of the person we love as consuming as their presence used to be liberating.

That’s the side of it I was on, once again. There was no lover to spoil. And besides the sweet guy at the coffee shop, I wasn’t the object of anyone’s affection. (okay, that didn’t prove to be entirely true, but we’ll stick to the subject at hand.)

All to say, I expected to be in the same place I was last year: front and center.

I am, in fact, front and center, but not in the same place.

It feels more like equilibrium.

There was no huge revelation that occurred. I didn’t even realize anything had changed until the sweet boy at the coffee shop gave me a chocolate heart. It made me happy. And I didn’t want it to be from anyone else. And I was completely content with the fact that I had the whole day to myself. And there wasn’t anyone I was missing (not entirely true, either. I miss Biscuit terribly but “subject at hand”.)

It seems I unknowingly declared a truce.

Despite the fact that I desperately wanted to move on, I kept looking back. I’ve recycled everything possible- memories, relationships, behaviors- all of which kept taking me back to the exact same place I was before…which was the last place I wanted to be.

This isn’t to say that my mind has completely stopped reminding me of what’s lurking beneath the surface. But I finally understand its tactics. I can catch it now, reel it in and release what has clearly been sustaining my demons all along.

Okay, confession.

There is this one last relationship I’m trying to rekindle. It’s risky to be sure. It was extremely messy before and full-on destructive when we parted ways. But I really do believe it will be different this time.

I think she’s finally realized she had something special that she came really close to losing.

and-suddenly-she-found-herself-grateful.

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13 thoughts on “A Love Story of Sorts

  1. Brooke. Reading these words made me smile from ear to ear, and I am not even sure it is possible for me to convey just how much happiness your words brought me. Wish I could put my feelings inside of you so that you can feel what I am feeling, but that’s super weird and also not possible so I will stick to writing out my feelings instead of soliciting witchcraft. Okay, where the hell was I? Your humour, your heart, your spirit, your refusal to let go of love despite the heartache and pain it caused you, and your ability to understand the meaning of that pain and it’s constant ache is all captured within these words. It’s awe-inspiring. As someone who loves your little socks off, it fucking warms my heart to know that you are rekindling that lost love because she is so worth loving and so worth the fight. Oh, oh…wait, woo her with a goat milk latte – she looooves them!! You, my friend, are extraordinary and a spirit so rare, only someone worthy of the beauty and gifts you bring to this world deserves your heart. You are going to find that love, and that person will hands-down be one of the luckiest people in the world. I am so proud of you and feel so blessed right now to be a part of your crazy, messy, fun, beautiful fucking world. I love the shit out of you. Okay, I think I am done now. For the record, though, I really could keep writing here, but again, don’t want to make it super weird. I’M JUST SO HAPPY FOR YOU, BROOKE!

    Liked by 4 people

    • This made me smile from ear to ear. And you know, I’m all about alchemy.- witchcraft, magic, the powers that be, whatever you want to call it- if it’s good, I’ll take it! I’m so glad you are a huge part of my crazy, messy, fun, beautiful fucking world (my daily offering of the f-bomb to the WordPress regime). Please do keep on writing (you can change the subject, however)…I’m off to order a goat-milk latte. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Brooke, everything you write is an offering of spirit, of love and truth; this morning, as I sit here in the quiet, I feel a stillness from your words, a sense of peace. The beauty of your heart, the immense light of hope that is woven into who you are, cannot be dimmed. You rise here with such strength and stand with a resolve that is quiet but so incredibly powerful. As far as writing a post that wouldn’t make people cry, well, I have tears in my eyes, but they are tears of joy for you. The path has shifted and the possibilities are immeasurable.

    Liked by 2 people

    • It amazes me how well you understand my words, what’s in underneath and in between. You feel as deeply as I do, which is a blessing and a curse. Of course, we all want what we write to make people feel, but I admittedly feel a twinge of guilt when I know I’ve brought someone into my experience when that experience is not a good one. All to say, thank you for always taking in what I write and being so thoughtful with your reaction/responses. Your comments are like reading poetry and always make my heart happy. You are right, there is a shift happening. I have to be vigilant about staying in the present, but the alternative isn’t getting me anywhere…and there are adventures to be had. 🙂 Big hug to you and so excited that your writing is being celebrated for the brilliance it is.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Brooke, the way you write so beautifully and honestly about your feelings and your experiences, is something that leaves me in awe and also feeling connected. As you bring people into your experiences, you bring them into the heart of humanity. I cannot tell you how happy I am that there is a shift happening, one that will bring you onto a new path and into new adventures. You are, as ever, so kind to me and I am grateful! Sending lots of love your way!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Brooke, I read this a few times to really immerse myself in it. I’m not always the brightest bulb on the tree, but I think I understand the relationship you are revisiting. Why does it always seem to be the most difficult to embrace while still being the most important?

    I think you know how I feel about you and the core that is Brooke. I see the smile in these words, and I know they are true. I know they are you. There really really is light there, and I am NOT the only one that sees it.

    You are brilliant, witty, beautiful, and not many deserve you. But someone does. Like Bojana, said… “We’re always the object of somebody’s affection, knowingly or unknowingly.”

    Liked by 2 people

    • First of all, you are like ‘flourescent light in doctor’s office’ bright…except not in the annoying ‘strips all the color from your face’ way. Thank you for taking so much time with this, and your words went straight to my heart. I know you mean them, and I’ll do my very best to take them in. Perhaps there will always be someone ready to offer up their affection, but I certainly won’t settle for anyone. And I’m perfectly fine just focusing on this one for now. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • LOL thank you for the “not in annoying” clarification. There is someone ready. I know that as sure as I know the sun is greeting me as I type this. The magic of what you are doing might not bring that front and center. Yet. It is often when we aren’t looking that we find that which we never knew we needed, but maybe just suspected. And she will be very happy that you are focusing on this one. ☺

        Liked by 1 person

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