Thought I would give a taste of why I have disappeared for a spell. I have no idea where or if this will be published, but I thought I could try to spread a lil’ hope for those of you in the thick of ‘rebounding’ from a heartbreak in the absence of a rebound, at least in the traditional sense….
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“Burdened no more is soul for whom life flows through dance like breath.”
― Shah Asad Rizvi
He grabbed my hand and slid his arm around my waist, pulling me closer. Our lips were close enough to kiss. My eyes lingered on them as they made their way up to meet his gaze. He smiled playfully, “Relax. Try not to think, and just let yourself feel. ”
The music started. A cacophony of horns and percussion thrust us into motion. I knew I was tensing up, and the only thing I could feel was my heart racing. He let go of my waist and slid his hands down the length of my back, letting them rest firmly on my hips. He paused for a second, teasing me like he always did before he sent me spinning. I threw my head back, laughing, as our playful improvisation began, our bodies syncing up perfectly. Without saying a word, he would tell me exactly what he wanted me to do, and I would gladly submit. He had me exactly where he wanted me. I wasn’t thinking about anything other than how I felt, completely immersed in the moment, and deliriously happy. Then the music stopped.
This is how I got over my first heartbreak. I started dancing.
My boyfriend had found someone else. I didn’t blame him. We were going on year four of what had become a vicious cycle of trying ‘just one more time’. I knew it needed to end, but I wasn’t ready to give up. He was, and he did.
So I did what I always do when my heart gets broken; I planned my escape. I sold everything that wouldn’t fit into my suitcase and bought a ticket to Spain. Just over a week before I was supposed to leave, my stepdad called. My mom had been in a car accident.
I didn’t go to Spain; I went to bury my mom instead.
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I finally stopped rambling when he walked over and motioned for my hand. I wiped it on my skirt, confessing,
I’m kind of nervous
He smiled. Really? I had no idea.
I feigned annoyance, laughed and offered up my sweaty palm. He led me through some basic steps, which I fumbled through, stepping on his feet more than I care to admit. He finally stopped, stepping back and studying me for a minute.
Not bad, he said, acting surprised. Actually, that was pretty good. You clearly know how to dance; we just need to get your confidence back. But first, there is something more important we need to do.
He had my attention.
I think you’ve forgotten how to feel. And you can’ t dance if you can’t feel. So I am going to try something that I think might help.
He most definitely had my attention.
Close your eyes and don’t open them until I tell you.
I stood there, my heart racing, waiting to see what would happen next…..
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More to come…. ;o)
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Engaging story. I can’t wait to hear the next step! Dance on my friend…
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Eager to read more ….. I only recently discovered your blog, I like it very much.
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Thanks so much, Kelly. I’m glad you found me and I so appreciate you taking the time to read this and share your thoughts!
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Brooke! YOUR MOM?! Geezus, I am sitting here wondering how you are able to maintain your positivity and ‘grab life by the balls’ attitude after enduring so many catastrophic events in your life. Wow. Life has served you a triple layer shit sandwich, but despite it, you still maintain your ability to see the light, and I adore the absolute hell out of you for it! Like, so much. You are such a beautiful woman, inside and out and I applaud your perseverance and strength. Honestly, I am shaking my head right now. And dude, I can’t wait to find out the rest of the story. It’s kind of mean to leave us hanging like this, though!*insert angry face* Ha! He sounds like the perfect rebound to me, and I was totally engrossed in the story like I was right there. WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?? Sigh. You are a superhero to me, and I am continually inspired by you! It was so nice to hear from you today! 🙂
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See, that was all I needed. Haven’t smiled all day. Was admittedly hoping I would see your name pop up when I saw the Lil Canadian flag appear on my stats (shamelessly check them, can’t lie). I don’t always see light, Tanya, quite the opposite. But I do my absolute best. I guess I saw my mom get consumed by darkness… I just don’t want to live like. Sometimes I can appreciate my resilience, and sometimes it just all feels like too much. So I dance, and I write and surround myself with people like you… and try to remember that it won’t always feel like this. Fingers crossed I’ll have a fun place to send you to to see what happens next :). He really was so cute… ☺️
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Aww, I am so happy I was able to bring a smile to your face! You know, I just want to say this to you. Everything you said, I completely understand because I too struggle. It is so hard to see the light all the time, and the pain inside me is so intolerable at times I don’t know where to turn or how to make it stop. And that is where I have been for the past few days. But, somehow, as always, I found a way through the tears, and the pain is once again at bay. And I am stronger today than I was yesterday.
I wanted to share that with you because you are not alone in the way you feel. I totally get it. I really do. Though it can feel overwhelming, and so fucking hard, you still make a choice every day to get better. To grow. And to me, that is everything. One day it might be many steps you take and the next only one. But that’s ok. Because even one step keeps you moving in the direction you want to go. Forward. You are so incredibly brave, for many reasons. So, know that there is someone out there who thinks you are a rock star and is also finding inspiration from the words share.
Sorry to ramble on, but your experiences and feelings are so similar to mine that it is as though I am reading my own words at times. I can’t help but think there is a reason our paths have crossed.
One more thing…I promise it won’t always feel like this. You are going to dance into the sunset one day with someone who loves you – for you. 🙂
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Get yourself to Spain. My father was 100% Spanish. Been there many times over the years visiting family, mostly in Madrid, Malaga, Sevilla, and Barcelona. I can assure you it has magical powers to cure all that ails your soul. The weather. The people. The food. The perfect trifecta. It is definitely a magical place, although admittedly, I am a bit biased being somewhat of a native – “El Oriundo” as my father always affectionately called me.
Sending my heartfelt condolences to you as well – love and light. Lost my mother to brain cancer in January, unexpectedly. Nothing can prepare you for that kind of loss. Was so focused with my work efforts I stuffed it all deep down inside. When my consulting project finished at the beginning of the summer, the world quieted down and the emotions have been flowing ever since. Like a river. Waves of dark clouds burned away by warm thoughts and the kindness of my closest friends and community. Don’t think one ever get over the loss, just a bit more numb with the passage of each new day. With every sunrise, with the start of each new day, the pain slowly decreases.
Totally get the emptiness left by the loss of a longtime partner as well, especially amidst the mourning of a love one to boot. Trying to occupy my time and healing process with writing comedy and a book of fiction with an insanely crazy cast of characters. Fun imagining up a fantasy world, having the ability to create and weave a story in any way you choose. Always sprinkling in silliness throughout. Always adding a dash of naughty. Always ending with a touch of hope, that this crazy world of ours that often appears like we are spiraling down into a big dark hole is actually filled with lots of goodness, love and possibilities.
Be strong and watch the stories that you weave. It’s a choice. Choose to walk on the sunny side of the street, skip even and grab as many by the hand as you can and bring them with you. If you’re going to have a story, may as well make it a delicious one!
You should be proud of your efforts on all accounts. Your business. Your process. Your journey. Happy to have crossed your path and looking forward to reading where you go from here.
Seems like you’re making the change to the world you want to see, starting with yourself. Good for you sister. On all accounts!
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Usted sabe que vivi en Espana, no? I’m not sure if I mentioned that somewhere, but I consider Sevilla my second home and my best friend lives there; his family is como la mia. I try to go back every year, for Feria if possible. I was there for La Navidad in December. And yes, you are absolutely correct, it is magical. I was so very heartbroken while I was there, but my soul was fed, and I was the closest to happy that I could have been given the circumstances.
Your words soothed my soul a bit, and I’m so sorry for all that you have been through, as well. It’s the bitter sweetness of life, and these extreme phases of darkness, I believe, make us refuse to settle for anything less than finding and embracing a life that is filled with joy and love and all things we deem beautiful and essential.
Muchisimas gracias por leer mi blog. Espero que regreses un dia…parece que tenemos una perspectiva similar.
Un abrazo fuerte
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Used to believe somehow, if we worked hard enough, we could right all in our world that is wrong. Get everything working properly. Quite a black/ white view for sure.
Now I understand life is made up of one travesty followed by another trauma. The quiet and happy interludes are just a calm before the next storm. And the key is to be in the moment, deal with things as they land at your feet, stay away from the monkey chatter, do your best and keep plowing ahead. It’s the love you make and share with the world to help ease others burdens, the kindness of those you love and surround yourself with as well as the kindness of strangers that really matters and deserves our focus and attentions. And the biggest lesson I learned from being with my mother as she transitioned – nothing is more important in life than being in service to others.
Happy you know Spain well. It’s truly a magical and enchanting place. Hopeful I cross paths with you in the Plaza de España. Love to invite you to a copita and some tapas.
Un abraso fuerte 🙂
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De acuerdo, me encantaría un día! Keep doing good, that is all we can do and why we are here, at least that is what I believe. You are a gift to so many, to everyone really, no question.
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