The Accident

WARNING: Some of the content below is very graphic…and it’s sad. It just is.

Pain: Is mine real? Can I truly understand yours? Does hearing mine make yours hurt less?

When I was little, there was a lot of it. But I didn’t understand it. And I certainly didn’t talk about it, mainly, because I was horrified. But also because I knew that it would make others sad. And I didn’t want anyone else to be sad, so I just didn’t talk about it.

This was the impetus for what became a lifelong survival tactic. I would seek out others whose pain I thought to be worse than mine, whose pain was real. This would give me a perspective of how trivial mine was. Maybe I could even help them feel less of it. Maybe I would feel better.

Sometimes I did. And sometimes it all just made me feel worse.

Admittedly, for the most part, I really didn’t believe pain was relative. I tried to empathize with my friend’s broken heart or fight with her boyfriend. I mean, I tried. But I couldn’t shut off the voice inside. Really, you think that is pain? I could tell you what real pain is. But it will most likely make you sad…and I don’t want you to be sad.

On the rare occasion that I did share my story, it was done with a tone of indifference so as not to make anyone uncomfortable. I would remain detached while describing the last few minutes before my father’s last breath. I would even leave space for some comic relief if necessary. I would be laughing and they would be crying. But I didn’t want them to cry. So I quit telling my story.

I trained myself to just listen, to offer advice when appropriate, to empathize but not draw too much attention to my pain. I just listened to yours. Yours could not possibly be as bad, right? Besides, I needed to cry, and I could only cry because of your pain, not mine.

As bad. this is what gives pain its power- we compare our with someone else’s, whether to minimize or justify it. We all know we are going through different versions of the same thing, that we all feeling the same pain, just to varying degrees. We all know sharing our stories and naming our pain will help us heal.

But we all still default to either believing ours is all there is, or that it’s nothing at all. We don’t want to be the victim. We don’t want to be the cause of more sadness or pain. We don’t want to be exposed or weak or stigmatized.

We don’t want to be in pain.

So this is how I tried to navigate my story- perpetually trying to find ways to deal with it while not exposing it. I minimized it, numbed it, or found ways to trivialize it.

But this time I can’t; it’s too big. There’s no hiding it. And I can’t find anyone else’s that will allow me to trivialize it. This time, I have to go through it. I have to feel my way through it.

I was flying back to Texas after spending a month in Paris. How bad could my life be, right? I had just spent a month in Paris. But I spent it by myself, completely heartbroken in every way possible.

On the flight to Paris, I truly believed we were going to make it. He was going to do whatever it took to make it work. Maybe he could even meet me. We could spend Christmas together…

But none of that happened.

I was furious with myself. Not because I was sad. I deserved to be sad. I was furious that I couldn’t stop crying over him, while their parents couldn’t stop crying over them- all three of them who were now dead.

But I wasn’t. I was the one who lived, who was flying back from Paris, all limbs and organs intact, save one.

I was in the right-hand lane, trailing about 6 feet behind the car in front of me. I heard them hit the other car, and then they hit me. Or I guess I hit them.

I still don’t understand what happened. I’ve replayed it in my head over and over, trying to make sense of it. I was told three 22-year old boys swerved into my lane coming from the opposite direction, going 80 miles/hour.

They hit the girl in front of me and then catapulted into my lane. The car spun around 180 degrees, and I slammed into the two boys on the driver’s side. I didn’t have time to hit the brakes. They were my brakes. And they all died.

I tried to throw the door open to get out, but it was jammed shut. I finally forced my way out and stood, paralyzed, staring at the car in front of me…staring at their car in front of me.

Everything was a complete blur of lights and distorted shapes- scraps of metal; severed bumpers; a license plate crumpled up like a piece of trash; orange shards of broken headlights; the smell of smoke, gas, fumes, and burnt rubber…

I remember how quiet it was. I could hear the slight buzz of traffic in the distance and the sound of fluids spewing out of our cars. The crunch of shattered glass under my feet sounded offensive as I made my way to the side of the road.

I tried to take it all in, not even seeing the crowd of people gathering around me. My hands were shaking so much, I could barely dial the number of the only person I knew in Arlington: the one who had just tried to shatter me. He didn’t answer.

So I just sat there, methodically pulling blades of grass from the ground, my entire body shaking violently- either from shock or the relentless chill that cut into the scene in front of me- mutilated cars, all empty, save one.

The driver’s head was distorted in a way that reminded me of Dalí, tilted back as if it was melting down his back- blood pouring out of every part of him. The boy directly behind him, the other one I hit, his head was thrown back too but facing away from me. I could see his left arm dangling out of the shattered window- blood pouring out of every part of him.

And I just sat there, watching, pulling cold, wet blades of grass out of the ground. I watched the policeman approach the car to access the damage. I watched the fire department arrive and then cut them out of the car. I watched two men put the boys on stretchers, and situate them inside the ambulance. I watched everyone drive away.

I found out later there was a third boy in the car. They didn’t even bother pulling him out.

I watched and waited, compulsively checking my phone. He never called back.

Someone finally realized I was the one driving the other car. Two hours later, answering question after question- still shivering, still staring at the car- I was asked the final one.

“Do you have anyone to take you home?”

“No.”

“Can we give you a ride?”

“No. I’m okay, thanks. I’ll walk.”

The onsite counselor finally insisted on taking me home. She was understandably worried.

“Do you have anyone who can come over?”

“No.”

“What about friends or family you can call?”

“Um, yeah… I’ll try to call someone. Don’t worry. I’ll be fine. I mean, I’m still alive, right?”

I have this bizarre thing I do on planes. Sometimes I can’t commit to watching a movie, so I watch whatever the person next to me is watching. I can’t hear it, so I just make up my own story.

We were about an hour away from the Dallas/Ft. Worth airport, and I was in an absolute state of panic about what I had to deal with after we landed. So I watched his movie instead. I hated it- one more story about some kid experiencing disappointment, injustice, and heartbreak. Oh, and his girlfriend died. That was legitimately sad. But it happens. Death happens. He might as well learn to deal with it while he’s young.

It finally ended, and the man watching the movie took off his headphones. I looked at him and made some asinine comment about how trivial it all was.

He paused, then responded, “Well, that’s how life goes. Bad things happen. We just have to deal with them the best we can and try to move on.”

I turned to face him.

Right…move on, just like that. Well, that kid doesn’t have to move on from shit, because it’s a fucking movie. But let me ask you a question. What if someone has to watch three boys die- three boys she hit. What then? She’s just supposed to “deal with it and move on?” Of course she should, because there are other people going through much worse, right?

But tell me, what could be worse than sitting on the side of the road, watching 3 boys die when it was her hit that killed them.

I mean, I hit them, but it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t see them coming. I would have swerved. But maybe I wasn’t paying attention. What if I wasn’t and I could’ve had time to slam on my brakes and swerve into the other lane…

He closed his laptop and turned to face me, his pain palpable.

“My god. I’m so sorry you went through that.” He looked back down, and repeated, almost in a whisper, “I understand how much pain you’re in.  My wife and son were in a car accident too. My wife and son, they died in a car accident.”

There were so many things I wanted to say to him. But all I could do was lay my head on his shoulder and cry.

It wasn’t about his pain vs. mine; at that moment, his pain was mine, and mine was his.

I keep hearing stories like this. About pain- all of us wondering what the fuck we’re supposed to do with it.

It seems to always be here, somewhere on the spectrum of residual and debilitating. But we need to live our lives, so we try to hide it, dismiss it, numb it, or for the bravest among us, heal it.

I’m not quite sure how to do that, exactly- heal it. I do know, however, know how I won’t…by hiding, dismissing, or numbing it. I’ve tried those; they only feed it.

What I have finally come to terms with is this: We all bleed the same. The source of our wounds may differ, the extent of the damage may vary, but in the end, the results are the same: we bleed, and it hurts. And we have to find a way to transcend it if we are going to survive.

This is what I want for all of us, to figure out how to transcend it, to transform our wounds into epic scars we can learn to love. But this won’t happen if we don’t give ourselves permission to feel our pain; to acknowledge that what is happening or has happened is terrible; to allow ourselves to feel sad and angry and resentful; and, yes, to feel like a victim.

Because we are all victims of pain, but our pain doesn’t have to make us victims.

It just makes us real. It gives us depth and courage and resilience. It allows us to gain perspective, evolve, practice empathy, and help others do the same.

I think about that man on the plane, and his wife and son. And I think about those boys, their families…what they all wouldn’t give to have the opportunity to feel all of this, to live all of this…even this.

But they are gone.

I have no idea why I’m still here, why I survived and they all had to die. But I did survive, so I have to live, wholeheartedly, and feel all of this, fully, even this. I owe them that.

At the very least, I owe them that.


17 thoughts on “The Accident

  1. Thanks so much for sharing your difficult story. It will definitely help others to be able to share theirs, which, as you know, is critical for the healing process. Also, it is beautifully written, you are a talented writer. Amanda

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing this Brooke. I will write you back, but wanted you to know that I was able to read your story.
    This deserves more thoughtful attention than I am capable of formulating into a timely response.
    -JD

    Like

  3. I remember reading this, some time back, and every word I tried to say in response seemed … insignificant. They all still do. A person shouldn’t have to hurt this much, go through all this. But you did. You do. All I can offer you now is love and all you can offer those boys now is to live, fully. And you do. You do. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your words are anything but insignificant. In fact, they were needed more than you know. It’s hard to get a perspective when you are stuck in your head and trying like hell not to go down the rabbit hole. I can so easily discount it all, berate myself for feeling shitty or sad, or refuse to acknowledge how shitty and sad it is.
      Or, I’m just fucking pissed, telling the Universe to fuck off or reminding God that I’m not Job. I am not. I’m resilient, to be sure…but enough. And then, I’m right back to the start- reminding myself that some people have it so much worse- live in war zones, have lost their families, their limbs, on and on.
      It’s a maddening, seemingly endless cycle that I’m very ready to be free of.
      My point is, today, I was in the thick of “How in the fuck am I still here? Get your shit together…at least you still have your legs” mode.
      So your words, Tom, were very significant. Because no, I shouldn’t have to keep hurting this much. And yes, I still do.
      And I will also continue to push through and do my best to live fully- for those boys, for all the people who are loving me through this, and for the people I hope to god I can one day inspire to do the same…because I did make it through this, heart and soul intact.
      Hugest hug and so much love right back to you.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hello. Brooke. My name is Kim. I have read a few of your posts, never this one. I will definitely be following your blog. I do not know where you get your strength. I applaud it, but am ready to just cave and start crying myself! That was a terrible accident. That’s all it was… unfortunately with horrific consequences. Accidents happen everyday, who’s to say which accident is the worst? Does it matter? Loss of a wife, husband, daughter, son… all hard. You do need to live a full life. For you, for me, for those boys, for that man’s wife and child. You now know how precious every minute is. Every single minute. Most of us will not learn that lesson during our time on this earth. Thank you for sharing your story. ~Kim

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for the encouraging words, Kim, and for taking the time to read this and share your insight. Sometimes it’s hard for my own words to sink in, so it helps to get a perspective from others who get it. And from reading your blog, you are definitely courageous and resilient yourself.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Every day, we can choose to fight, live each day to its fullest! There are days when we choose solitude and reflection. My point is do not let any book, blog, comment, or person tell you what is best for you. You choose! You do the best you can… there are many of us who consciously choose how are day will be lived, unfortunately (maybe fortunately?) you and I are in that rare group. I don’t think there is a reason, purpose, or an answer to be found in tragedy. It just IS tragic. Accidents happen, good people die, hard workers get chronic illnesses, people starve, lose their homes, a million terrible things at any given time happen to people … why? Why not. Shit; sad, horrible, tragic shit happens. Every single day. We go on… keep fighting, Brooke.🌷

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I suppose it’s our advanced capacity to understand and our attempts to project that understanding out into the world. That is, it’s our vast mental abilities that drive the dichotomous ends of pain and pleasure out to where they vanish in their respective horizons: euphoric elation at one end, crushing despair at the other.
    I wonder, though, do the disparate ends of happiness and sadness stretch equally? Why do we seem to spend so much time in the melancholy part? Perhaps the sides of this emotional coin do not flip true—biased toward pain.
    For what good is happiness when it comes to survival?
    Pain on the other hand, is useful. “I’m alive it tells you. You survive, still, enough to carry on to the next day, the next event, the next trial of your soul.”
    Here’s to balancing out this unfortunately tilted scale.

    Like

  7. Wow Brooke. You write your pain with so much honesty and rawness. I’m touched by your loss, pain, struggle, and most of all your wisdom and courage to keep on. I hope you’ve found some semblance of peace to accept what happened. Wondering why can keep us stuck. It just is. As you mentioned, the key is to accept, learn, grow in empathy, and help others. Please be kind and gentle with yourself. You deserve it. Big hugs and shit. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s