Whipped Cream

Wow. That guy is terribly cute. Well, don’t look at him. Wait, I think he was looking at me? Dammit, I think he just saw me looking at him. Ok Brooke, stop, he is probably looking at the person behind you. Nope, no one behind me.

K, just go get a coffee and stop staring.

I mean, really, how do you think this would play out exactly? You two would go out for dinner and get to know each other? That would go over well… if you just don’t talk about anything that has happened post November, 2015. Absolutley nothing.

“So, I see you in here a lot, you must work ‘from home’. What do you do?  

Ummm…What do I do? Its a very good question….

Actually, let’s not talk about me just yet. My life is really boring right now. Nothing interesting has happened at all, especially post November 2015. It’s kind of sad, really.

I would rather hear about you. What do you do?

That could work. I’ll just spend two hours asking him about him. That can be done, right? Unless he is boring. That wouldn’t work. But if that was the case, I could go ahead and fill him in on the past year, explaining why I was standing in line at the coffee shop, rehearsing what I might say to someone who most likely doesn’t even know I exist.

But what if he isn’t boring? What if he is cute AND interesting, maybe even funny and smart and kind…maybe even a democrat? Shit, okay, so no details about anything post November 2015. You just have to avoid all questions and refrain from crying for two hours. You’ve totally got this.

“No wait, At least give me something. You said you just moved back to Denver. From where? Why?

Very long, awkward pause….

You want to hear something weird? I kind of like the smell of sewers. Not that I think sewage smells good per se, but it reminds me of a place I stayed in Mexico. I like Mexico, but it isn’t actually my favorite. I much prefer Colombia or Guatemala. The unfortunate thing about all of those places though is that my hair gets really frizzy in humid climates, so you can’t take any pictures of me. I’ll take pictures of you, though. Not that I’m saying we are going to any foreign countries together, although they say that is the best way to find out if you should marry someone or not. Not that I think we are getting married.

Wait, you aren’t married are you? I ask because that seems to be a trend of mine of late that I prefer not to repeat… ever. Not that I go around looking for married men. But shit, at our age, everyone is getting a divorce, or at least trying to, unless they change their minds, which is what happened to me. Well, he changed his mind. (Shit, abort… definitely post November, 2015)

Speaking of hair, I cut my hair like Jennifer Anniston’s once. It was when she had it short. I look terrible with short hair. It makes my features look out of proportion, my nose mainly. I actually ran into her once at the health food store. Jennifer. We were at the salad bar, each going for the last dolma. I took it from her… retribution for the bad haircut.

Friends is the only sitcom I’ve seen in its entirety, besides West Wing, which is definitely more my thing. I don’t really like watching TV, to be honest, or going to the movies. Which is bizarre sense I moved to L.A. to become an actress. But most of it is crap and its painful for me to try to sit still for 2 hours…or two minutes, really. Harry Potter is good though. I have seen all the Harry Potter movies at least five times. I actually just started the whole series over again. 

And I do sometimes watch soap operas, but only in Spanish. It’s kind of educational, really, and sometimes it’s better than complete silence. The reality is they make me feel like my life isn’t really that fucked up. But they make me cry sometimes, too. 

I cried when he was elected. I was living in Arlington, Texas at the time. Can you imagine? Wait, you aren’t a Republican are you?

(You just mentioned the past AND policitics. Subject change, please.)

Don’t answer that, I still think you are cute and once I let you talk, you could even be smart. But, no, if you voted for Donald Trump, you are not smart. That beautiful smile won’t get you anywhere if you voted for Donald Trump.

(Brooke, subject change!)

I hate the feeling of popsicle sticks, especially on my tongue. They make me literally want to throw up, which I usually do, by the way, when I try to read anything while in motion. I actually had a girl throw up on me once, in the Congo, in a very small car packed with about 15 people. She was on my lap. I somehow managed to keep it together for the next 3 hours … had I thrown up on her because she threw up on me, it would have been on her. I would have felt terrible…and I would have had her throw up on me and mine on her with her on my lap.

Yes, I lived in the Congo for six months, the Democratic Republic of Congo actually. I was trying to save the chimps. I’m not sure I did much good, but you have to try, right? I am trying to save the elephants too, and the sea turtles, and pangolins. I so love pangolins.

I pretty much want to save all animals, everywhere, except Praying Mantis. I don’t want to save those. They freak me out.

There was one that would sit outside my window when I was little… right above my goldfish bowl. I think he wanted to eat him, Chester, my goldfish. My cat ate him instead. I walked in as she was lickig the water off her paws, the paws she used to scoop him out of the bowl and eat him with. I looked everywhere to try to find him, Hoping maybe he just fell on the floor or under the dresser. But there was nothing. Only a piece of ground beef that fell out of the burrito I had eaten earlier. So I buried it. I buried my burrito. Sad, huh?

Clowns make me sad. I think they paint smiles on their faces to make people think they are happy. Old couples holding hands though, they make me happy. I think there is such thing as true love and magic and angels in disguise.

I want to be one of those old couples, holding hands someday. I’m not saying with you necessarily, I just want to find someone to grow old with. I mean someday. I don’t want to be old right now, but I would like to find my person right now… not right now, right now. I’m not saying you are my person.

I never wanted to have kids, not until I was 42. I’m 42, by the way. No, god, I’m not saying I want to have children right now with you. Although, they would be ridiculously cute. No, wait, I don’t mean they will be ridiculously cute, just that they would be if we ever had them.

If I had a girl, I always wanted to name her Billy, after my dad, and Jean, after my grams. But then I thought that might be weird. So maybe I will just name her Billy. Except I won’t, because I just decided that I wanted to have a child at the age of 42. And I don’t think we will probably have a child together. But she would be adorable if we did.

She would be adorable and very skinny…. because I can’t really cook. I do it, well I used to do it, but I hate it. I’m kind of okay just eating cold leftovers…and whipped cream. I think whipped cream should be considered its own food group and we should all be encouraged to eat 3-5 servings a day.

You should know that I tell little white lies sometimes. Not to manipulate or hurt people. But sometimes a minor fabrication just makes a story so much better.”

“Hi, excuse me, I think it’s your turn to order”.

“Sorry? Oh, right sorry. I was totally lost in a conversation I was having in my head. With you actually, which I can’t believe I just said out loud. No, it didn’t go very well…kind of a disaster.

Actually, I think maybe I don’t need coffee anymore. I’ve already had like 5 cups. I don’t even really like the coffee here. Not that you shouldn’t. I’m sure it tastes good to people who have never had good coffee. Not that you haven’t had good coffee, or maybe you don’t even drink coffee and you are getting tea instead. If you do decide on coffee, get the one from Colombia. It’s better than the one from Mexico.

Right, so you probably want to actually order your coffee, or tea, which I’m sure will be good. Actually, that’s a lie. I don’t think it will be good.

Okay, yeah, I’m going to go now. Enjoy whatever you decide on…you should get them to put whipped cream on top. You can never have enough whipped cream…


N. Brooke Breazeale

Founder, Briya                                 




2 thoughts on “Whipped Cream

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