Drama Cleanse, days 23-25: Trusting our Intuition

  1. 5-minute Journal- every day
  2. Podcast: Beautiful Writers Podcast: Marianne Williamson: From Tears to Triumph
  3. Visualize for 5 minutes – Everyday, this morning with quick meditation
  4. Exercise: Bar online (20 minute version) and 4 mile run each day
  5. Goal- Submitted article to elephantjournal (heard back today! Request for revision and resubmission!!
  6. An item off your shitty things to do list: God, feel like that is all I have done for the past 3 days…
  7. Do something fun: Friend coming in for the weekend. Fun will be had

Podcast: Beautiful Writers Podcast: Marianne Williamson: From Tears to Triumph

Marianne Williamson is someone I used to read/listen to a lot in my mid-20s. She is truly an enlightened soul but is still approachable and real. This is an interview about her approach to life and how her career path started.

Williamson believes and teaches A Course in Miracles. I actually studied it for a bit, but honestly can’t tell you what the premise is anymore. I do know that it helped formulate my beliefs, but again, not exactly sure how.

Takeaway:

WARNING: This one is a bit on the esoteric/spiritual side. But I need some spiritual right about now, and it made me realize that this whole ‘I’m have to do this on my own’ it just not an option. I need to lean on my tribe and I need some help from some power that is infinitely more powerful, wise and knowing than I.  So whatever you believe in- God, Jesus, Buddha, the Universe…even nothing, I do encourage you to read on and try to keep an open mind.

I have always ‘prayed’ or at least had dialogues with ‘God’. But ‘God’ has changed over the years for me and my belief (emphasize my) is in an omnipotent force that is in me and all beings and all things.

I usually refer to this force as ‘the Universe’. This is my truth. And it is also something that I sometimes doubt, sometimes forget, and sometimes just ignore.

Over the past couple of years, however, I have had to tap into it and I have in full force. And I assure you, I have also doubted its presence and power this year more than I ever have.

A theme I have noticed in these various podcasts- whether it be Tim Ferriss, Tony Robbins, or Brene Brown- they all have some sort of practice or ritual around prayer/meditation. I personally think this has a lot to do with their success and quality of life. I am learning that is almost impossible to get through tremendous pain, suffering, sense of failure, etc. if you don’t believe in a higher power that can provide guidance, strength, and hope. Some might say people make up an entity to provide comfort and reassurance that they are not alone in the world. I guess I would just say that if you have ever experienced, whatever you want to call it-‘magic’, coincidences, serendipity, miraculous events or experience- there is a sense at something bigger, more powerful, and yes divine, at play. Again, this is my belief.

These successful people I have listened to also attribute their ability to express and access their talent or make crucial decisions that lead to their success comes from this ‘divine inspiration’ or whatever they believe is their source. And all of them take the time on a daily basis to just be quiet whether that is prayer, meditation, or just an activity that allows them to go within. This is where they get their answers or insight.

So this is where I am stuck right now. When I was trying to decide to take the huge leap that I took to move to be with the person I thought was the love of my life, I effing got down on my knees. I prayed, I meditated, (well, I forced myself to sit still long enough to try to hear some sort of guidance), I sought advice from friends, I wrote lists of pros and cons. I did everything I could to listen to my intuition, my heart, my truth. I never once heard anything other than what I knew to be true- ‘trust your intuition, ‘trust your heart’, ‘have faith in yourself’, ‘you deserve this’, ‘you are worth this’… leap.  I would hear these things and I would convince myself that I was just hearing what I wanted to hear and then start the whole process over again. My friends responses were mixed, but they knew I was going to do what I believed to be right. And I 100% believed that I was making the right decision.

So what happened exactly? I still can’t wrap my head around it. Nothing, absolutely nothing did anything but destroy me and pretty much every aspect of my life. That, I know I did not deserve. I certainly know that I am worth more than how I was treated and the circumstances I endured. No, it didn’t break me. Yes, I had to dig deeper than I ever thought possible to get myself out of bed and face the reality of what was happening,  figure out how the hell to get myself out of the situation, and love myself enough to refuse to believe the terrible things that he claimed defined me. I had to do and believe the complete opposite of what I had initially  .. because I had listened to my heart, to my intuition, to the universe.

This is why I am stuck. It is extremely challenging for me to trust in anything right now, especially myself. It’s actually the last thing I feel able to do right now. But if I resign myself to believing that, then I am the victim. That would mean the ‘gods’ were against me, or it was karma, or punishment, or that I deserved it.

I have mentioned before, I believe we manifest everything in our lives. Every person we meet, every failure, every success, every traumatic event, and every miracle. I truly believe that we summon it because of something we need to learn. There are definite patterns that I have repeated in my life over and over. Painful ones and beautiful ones. Clearly it is the painful ones that dominate our thoughts and reactions. We rarely stop and recognize when we feel good, but we are very cognizant when we feel pain. I feel it like I never have. And the only way I could have gotten this far and the reason why I still have hope that I will end up on the other side so much stronger and happier is because I am writing through it.

So there are two pretty significant gifts. Sharing my writing was something I never had the courage to do with confidence. I think even more importantly, I had become complacent in most aspects of my life. I was not living fully or demanding extraordinary from my life. I was coasting and would have continued to had I not invited some pretty painful events and people into my life. When we are suffering and in pain, we will do pretty much anything to make it stop. That means doing something drastically different than what we are doing. Complacency, for me, is just as painful as heartbreak or defeat…at least I think so. It’s a bit hard to say while in the thick of heartbreak and defeat. What I do know is that I am doing things dramatically different that I was, both in my complacency and heartbreak. I am finally giving myself permission to receive love and friendship. I am allowing myself to be imperfect and crazy. I am exposing my insecurities and failures by writing, and trying like hell to remember the gift in all of this.

This is divine. At least I believe it is. So I have to be grateful, give thanks for the gifts- because I needed them, because I wanted them, because I know that they will lead to a life that I want and did not believe I deserved before. So I am checking back in with the Universe and working on learning to trust myself again. Hopefully, I will switch gears and create new patterns that are not shrouded in pain and heartbreak this next round. Fortunately, I also believe that lessons don’t always have to be painful.

That was a bit long-winded. I hope you take what you need from it and that you are already experiencing the gifts from any pain, heartbreak, and/or defeat in your life. I promise, there is always a gift.

We are on the homestretch. Be gentle with yourself. Try to do something fun and surround yourself with people who make you feel loved and happy…and go have a green beer or Guinness if that is your thing. I prefer ‘black and tan’, myself…

 Next Steps for our homestretch: 

Just keep doing whatever positive, nurturing, empowering things you have been doing that are working for you. We’ve totally got this.

Recources

  1. Journal App.fiveminutejournal.com
  2. Visualization: Mike Dooley (visualization tips: http://www.tut.com
  3. Podcast Referenced: Beautiful Writers Podcast: Marianne Williamson: From Tears to Triumph
  4. Exercise: com/online
  5. Goal: com/elephantjournal.com
  6. Cleanse products: Renew’s 7 day Rapid Cleanse, Milk Thistle, Probiotic, Apple Cider Vinegar: https://www.davidwolfe.com/1-tbsp-acv-eliminate-health-problems/

 

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2 thoughts on “Drama Cleanse, days 23-25: Trusting our Intuition

  1. Brooke, beautiful post. This is exactly what I needed to read right now. Thank you for having the courage to share. I am sorry that you are experiencing so much heartache and pain, but as you said it is a learning process. In the darkest days it is difficult to see this, but I know for myself meditation has really been helping a lot. It has taken me awhile to get to a place where I can sit and be quiet for a short period of time, and so I am just grateful for whatever period of calm I can muster. Have you ever read Carolyn Myss? I have found her to be wonderfully empowering. I highly recommend her book, “Anatomy of the Spirit”. Keep on keeping on and thanks again for inspirational blog. You are a great writer! –Amanda

    Like

    • Amanda, I love that this spoke to you. I’m fairly new at this whole thing and still find it a bit excruciating to expose my mess. It makes me keep writing when I get these responses, so thank you. I have not heard of Carolyn Myss and will ‘google here right now! My heart hurts to think of someone else’s heart hurting like this. It will and is very slowly getting easier until I get knocked over again…but those moments are getting to be fewer. Please keep taking care of yourself and I would love to hear any feedback you have if you keep following my blog.

      Big hug,
      Brooke

      Like

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