Drama Cleanse, days 19-22: Kick and Scream. You have my full permission

  1. 5-minute Journal- everyday but Sunday
  2. Podcast: Beautiful Writers Podcast: Glennon Doyle Melton: Beautiful Love Warrior
  3. Visualize for 5 minutes – Every morning besides Sunday
  4. Exercise: Bar at home; Run; Bar Method at home; Bar Method/run
  5. Goal- Publish article: actually submit article…; Led second Shakespeare. Fun/success
  6. An item off your shitty things to do list: Every day…not exactly a highlight, but feels good to get shit taken care of.
  7. Do something fun: Not there yet. I thought about it though. I didn’t come with anything…yet.

So, this weekend was a little rough…kind of brutal, but I did survive and there was no ‘drama’, just a bad weekend. And, as it always seems to happen, the podcast I have been listening to was about exactly what I am struggling with. I recognize the title probably scares any of you guys out there. It actually was speaking more to women, so you all might want to explore Tim Ferriss or Tony Robbins instead.

Anger. This one just keeps resurfacing again and again. It is a dance, a painful, maddening dance between anger and sadness. It feels constant. I can recognize that glimpses of normalcy and happy are surfacing more too. They just seem to be overshadowed by the dancers of late.

The Podcast is between 3 women who are all brilliant and enlightened and funny. They all have been through some shit and all can pretty much attribute their success to surviving it. Melton sounded like she has led a life extremely similar to mine, minus the kids part.

Takeaway:

They hit on something very poignant and relevant to where I am at. I’m just so fucking angry. It comes in waves and then I beat myself up for feeling it, which is clearly counterproductive. Why the hell should I not be angry? There is really not one thing that has happened to me over the past 6 months that would not conjure up this particular emotion.

This doesn’t make me a victim, it actually compels me to action. But it also deemed unacceptable. ‘We’, being women, are not supposed to be angry. We can be sad, we get permission to cry, but that is because we are sensitive, right? We are emotional. And that’s okay.

But angry. That is just not unacceptable. That is irrational. I saw it in full force in my last ‘relationship’. I am passionate. I get pissed or hurt, I show it. I feel it, and I say it. I heard over and over- calm down, you are crazy, you are manic, you are irrational.  But he, he could say the most vicious things someone can say and that was okay. That was just responding to my ‘crazy’. It was justified. It was my fault for provoking his anger. Or it was simply downplayed or denied.

Clearly I’m not the first one to point this out, but I think it deserves to be reiterated. Men express anger or frustration, they are assertive. They are strong or in control or taking charge. Women? They are a bitch or dramatic or ‘on their period’.

I’m not proud of some of the things that I say and do when anger takes over, but I would not trade passion and expression, even if they are irrational, for passive or tolerant of abusive behavior.

So my expression makes you uncomfortable. Offer up some options then. We go home and cry about what we are pissed off about? We hold our tongue and just let it fester until it becomes so ingrained that passive becomes our default or it just eats us up inside? We go meditate or take a hot bath or go for a run?

Yes, sometimes a good cry or hot bath or run will get it out. But sometimes those ‘healthy’ coping mechanisms just don’t work. Sometimes we just need to blow up, kick and scream and hit, (hitting is not recommended, but I have done it… twice, but he was bigger, stronger, and hardly felt anything…and he fucking deserved it) .

I am not saying this is the high road. I’m not saying this should be our default. But shit, sometimes that is the only way to get it out.

What I am saying is this: I am a passionate, opinionated, strong-willed woman. When I’m pissed off, when I am hurt because you were an ass or you did something cruel or selfish, then you are going to know about it. I am going to tell you, and it might be at a volume or in a tone that makes you uncomfortable. I might make people stare. Deal with it. You shouldn’t have been a selfish ass.

See, I actually feel better. A healthy, acceptable expression of my anger. But be clear. This is because the person I would otherwise be screaming at is not in front of me.

So, I hope your weekend was better than mine. I hope your week is anger as well as drama free. But if it’s not, do whatever you need to do to get it out (maybe refrain from hitting). Everyone around you will be just fine.

Optional steps/practices for next few days:

  1. Journal
  2. Podcast
  3. Visualize
  4. Exercise
  5. Check off one item off your shitty things to do list a day
  6. Do something fun
  7. Step towards goal of choice
  8. Cleanse of your choosing

Recources

  1. Journal App.fiveminutejournal.com
  2. Visualization: Mike Dooley (visualization tips: http://www.tut.com
  3. Podcast Referenced: Beautiful Writers Podcast: Glennon Doyle Melton: Beautiful Love Warrior
  4. Exercise: com/online
  5. Goal: com/elephantjournal.com
  6. Cleanse products: Renew’s 7 day Rapid Cleanse, Milk Thistle, Probiotic, Apple Cider Vinegar: https://www.davidwolfe.com/1-tbsp-acv-eliminate-health-problems/
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One thought on “Drama Cleanse, days 19-22: Kick and Scream. You have my full permission

  1. Anger is not a curse. Not all men know how to be assertive and sometimes expressing ones anger, can be destructive disrespectful and down right wrong. Some times It’s bang on perfect. I wont’ go out with a leg or an arm any more than I will go around without a feeling. Men cry too. I think many humans struggle with the expectations of society. It’s important for each of us to respect ourselves and love ourselves. I know many men who want a woman who is strong and assertive as a partner. I think every human being should be assertive, it would clean up a lot of rubbish. We can be assertive without insulting each other. They need to teach this stuff in schools. Thanks for your writing.

    Liked by 1 person

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