I did not have it in me this week, so I decided to revisit and expand on a previous post, actually my first one. I just decided I needed to clarify a few things…(revisions in bold).
“You cannot hate something that you first did not love. You hate it because you loved it and then lost it.” – b. breazeale
I posted this on my Instagram site after telling my ‘ex’ that I hated him. This, after telling him that I loved him and just wanted him to be happy, even if it was with somebody else. It sounds childish, I know, but that is what it has come to. He responded that you cannot hate and love someone at the time. He is wrong, in my opinion, for the reason that I stated in my quote.
I believe hate stems from a place that is so desperate and painful, so deep and consuming, that it changes you. Hate takes an emotion, love, that you felt so deeply and transforms it to something the extreme opposite. The thought of that person- whom you loved with everything you had and to whom you gave everything you had- knowingly doing something that hurt you on a level that surpasses cruelty; it takes you to a place where you simply did not know you could go.
You first want to hurt them back, then you want to shake them into showing you remorse and taking it all back, then you want them to feel so much love that they could not possibly want to do something like this to you or anyone else again, and then back to wanting them to feel as much pain as you are.
This is how I feel. This is not me. I am not weak. I am not cruel or hateful or vindictive, quite the opposite. But, I have come to a place where I hate him. And I fear that he feels the same, or worse, indifferent. The thought of this makes me physically hurt, sick to my stomach and beyond desperate. Because I love him that much.
He is consumed with fear and guilt, and for good reason. He believes he will lose what he loves most if he reveals his love for me. He acts out of fear because he does love me. But this fear has since manifested into words and actions that have demonstrated anything but love. He attacked with intent to harm. And I fought back, with the intent to harm. Emotionally, to be clear. But emotional warfare is quite possibly the most destructive kind.
It is maddening. I know he doesn’t really want to hurt me. He is hurting me because he is hurting that badly. He is projecting his pain on the person he knows will not abandon him. And he is right. I never will. Because I love him that much. I did, however, have to leave him. There was nothing left to do. He had already left me.
I actually understand it on some level, and it breaks my heart. And I hate him for it.
To be clear, I am not referring to disliking something. I think when you dislike something, it stems from indifference. You can take it or leave it, but you would rather leave it. Indifference, from what I have learned, is completely detached from love. But it is very different than hate.
In Conversations with God, Neal Donald Walsh writes:
All human actions are motivated at their deepest level by one of two emotions—fear or love. In truth there are only two emotions… These are the opposite ends of the great polarity…so it is that in the moment you pledge your highest love, you greet your greatest fear.
Fear is the energy which contracts, closes down, draws in, runs, hides, hoards, harms. Love is the energy which expands, opens up, sends out, stays, reveals, shares, heals. Fear grasps, love lets go. Fear rankles, love soothes. Fear attacks, love amends.
To clarify, I believe hate results from fear as well as love. It is almost a convergence of the two. You hate something (someone), because you fear it, you don’t understand it. You feel threatened, vulnerable, you ‘contract, close down, run, harm’.
But, I believe, you can only feel fear, and the extreme emotions around it, because you first felt love. You opened up your heart and soul completely, exposing yourself, ‘opening up, expanding, staying, sharing, healing’. But when this love is rejected, it is beyond what you can understand. It is the realization of your worst fear and your worst pain. And this fear, this pain, will often manifest as hatred.
“The moment you pledge you highest love, you greet your greatest fear.”
I believe even those who do horrible things- abuse, murder, rape- are acting out their hatred because of love, a loss thereof. I think in most cases, they were denied love from the person they loved most, and they fear they will never receive it from anyone. That hatred then turns into a rage they do not have the capacity to control. (clearly, there are other serious issues involved, chemical and otherwise, that drive people to go to these extremes) This is speculation, of course, and I’m certainly not saying these acts are justifiable, not at all. I just think that it is where the hatred might stem from.
None of this is black and white. The spectrum of the shades and degrees of love, hate, fear, and indifference is wide and varied. This is simply my understanding of what I have experienced with all of the above…just something to think about.
So, that is where I am at, grappling with feeling hatred because what I feared most has proven to be true. I will never receive the love I wanted from the person I love the most.
I’ll leave you today with this. It is my hope, for all of you out there, as well as for me, that we pledge our highest love and greet our greatest fear. We greet our fear, not embrace it. Instead, we nod our head politely and move past it.
“Love me or hate me, both are in my favor…If you love me, I’ll always be in your heart…If you hate me, I’ll always be in your mind.” – William Shakespeare
Please check out my social enterprise, Briya, and help us empower women and children with education and economic advancement opportunities across the globe.