“I have learned that if you fake your life it will kill you slowly… and cause the most pain for everyone. You try to do the right thing, not hurt anyone, conform to what love is supposed to be and what it is supposed to look like, but in the end, it destroys you. You slowly destroy those around you that you say you love, and you slowly destroy yourself.”
So, what do you do when someone is following you, your blog, reading your every thought, when you don’t want them to?
Yes, I know. Clearly, I opened myself up to this. I knew that anyone would have access to it, and I knew that people might get hurt or upset, which is the very last thing I want. I also knew that I would be exposing things about myself that I don’t necessarily want the world to know.
I know, a complete contradiction. But shit, I’ve never done this before. I don’t ever know what is going to come out on a day to day basis. So, what do I do? Do I sugarcoat it? Do I alter the truth to protect people?
And so she is back, my biggest critic. And I kind of want to stop writing. (see blog post, “Inside Out”).
But I promised myself I would be authentic. I promised you I would be authentic… and it is proving to be so much harder than I thought.
Be clear, I would never expose something someone disclosed to me in confidence. I will not use names unless people give me permission. Again, my intention with this is not to hurt anyone. If it does, I would prefer it be because they relate to it- it is something they can apply to their lives and use to work through their pain
But I can’t conform my thoughts to appease you or anyone else. That is not authentic. You don’t have to agree with me or what I write. I want it to make you think, to challenge you, to give you another perspective. But you do not have to agree.
I truly want this to reach people who it might help. I guess to do this, it has to reach people it won’t. I’m having a hard time reconciling this.
That is all I have for today. For those of you reading this who it is hurting, I am truly sorry. For those of you who are doing it as a way to try to see if I am doing or saying something that you do or don’t approve of, I am truly sorry. I know it is a form of self-torture.
I know, because I do it, too.
Your faithful Gypsy,