“You cannot hate something that you first did not love. You hate it because you loved it and then lost it.” – b. breazeale
I posted this on my Instagram site after telling my ‘ex’ (if you can call him that) that I hated him. This, after telling him that I loved him and just wanted him to be happy, even if it was with somebody else. It sounds childish, I know, but that is what it has come to. He responded that you cannot hate and love someone at the time. He is wrong, in my opinion, for the reason that I stated in my quote.
I believe hate stems from a place that is so desperate and painful, so deep and consuming, that it changes you. Hate takes an emotion, love, that you felt so deeply and transforms it to something the extreme opposite. The thought of that person- whom you loved with everything you had and to whom you gave everything you had- knowingly doing something that hurt you on a level that surpasses cruelty; it takes you to a place where you simply did not know you could go.
You first want to hurt them back, then you want to shake them into showing you remorse and taking it all back, then you want them to feel so much love that they could not possibly want to do something like this to you or anyone again, and then you return to wanting to make them feel as much pain as you are.
This is how I feel. This is not me. I am not weak. I am not cruel or hateful or vindictive, quite the opposite. But, I have come to a place where I hate him. And I fear that he feels the same, or worse, indifferent. The thought of this makes me physically hurt, sick to my stomach and beyond desperate. Because I love him that much.
It is maddening. I know he doesn’t really want to hurt me. He is hurting me because he is hurting that badly. He is that consumed with guilt and fear and pain and cannot do anything but hurt someone who knows will not abandon him. And I never will. I love him that much.
In Conversations with God, Neal Donald Walsh writes:
All human actions are motivated at their deepest level by one of two emotions—fear or love. In truth there are only two emotions… These are the opposite ends of the great polarity…so it is that in the moment you pledge your highest love, you greet your greatest fear.
Fear is the energy which contracts, closes down, draws in, runs, hides, hoards, harms. Love is the energy which expands, opens up, sends out, stays, reveals, shares, heals. Fear grasps, love lets go. Fear rankles, love soothes. Fear attacks, love amends.
He is consumed by fear, and for good reason. He believes he will lose what he loves most if he reveals his love for me. He acts out of fear because he does love me. But this fear has now manifested into what he conveys as hatred.
I understand it, and I hate it.
I believe even those who do horrible things- abuse, murder, rape- are acting out their hatred because of love, or a loss thereof. I think in most cases, they were denied love from the person they loved most, and they fear the will never receive it. I’m not saying these acts are justifiable, not at all. I just think that is where it stems from
So, that is where I am at, grappling with feeling hatred because I can’t get the love that I want from the person I love most, and I fear that I never will.
A bit of a tangent, but what is swirling around in my head this morning. I hope you are not feeling the same way. I guess all we can do is try to keep reminding ourselves that it all comes from love, try like hell to feel that love and send that back out to the person that has hurt us the most.
I mean, that is what we would do if we were Buddha, which we are not, at least I’m not. So, for now, I will just be pissed off and hope he is in as much pain as I am.
Yes, I realize that this is a bit heavy for my first post. Hang with me. They will not all be…
“Love me or hate me, both are in my favor…If you love me, I’ll always be in your heart…If you hate me, I’ll always be in your mind.” – William Shakespeare
Your faithful gypsy